Waking Up

“GIFT”, 14″ x 4″ x 4″, ceramic, steel

A friend emailed me yesterday saying he had not looked in on my blog for 4 months and fully expected to find it filled with grief but was surprised to find it was not.

And this morning I wake up and my first thought is: “I hate myself.”

I promised to tell the truth on this blog and here is some of it.

I chose this image for today because it represents me well on most days of late.

Teetering on the pinnacle she tries in ernest to remain upright.

She still has a modicum of grace to call on as she says a whispered prayer and listens maybe half-heartedly for an answer.

My ‘default’ seems to be shame.

It is a state I am most familiar with.

Historical issues ushered it in probably at birth,

Usually, I have a well-turned and solid, hefty rope as my ‘thread to God.’

But sometimes, in the mornings before my body becomes mine again, I can’t find that rope.

Thankfully, as I eat courage and gumption for breakfast, it makes itself known again.

And I reach out with the weakened musculature of a starving child,

And grab it…

I hold on for dear, dear life.

And every time it saves me.

Every time.

And the woman I remember and now love walks back into the room.

And we chat over tea.


One Response to “Waking Up”

  1. gerry harty on October 20th, 2010

    Amen Cathy!!!…you are something else girlfriend…love,gerry

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