“OK.. There You Go, Girl..”


30″ x 40″, m/m
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My ex-husband had family care- taking a ranch in Colorado.

We went there to visit one year during haying time.

I have always been enchanted by tractors.

And, LO AND BEHOLD! my dream was about to come true!

I asked for a ride as this gorgeous red piece of machinery ambled down the endless rows of alfalfa.

The driver showed me the lay of the land as far as steering, brake and such.

It was something like a two minute lesson amidst the roar and maw of the thing.

AND THEN HE JUMPED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“OK…THERE YOU GO, GIRL.. DRIVE HER!”

Needless to say, I was mortified but what could I do but keep her steady in the row?

After awhile I settled in to the green perfume and heat of the day.

The slow and steady crawl toward the next row.

And the next.

It was this almost elegant softening into this place smack between big power and yielding to the fluidity of a meditation.

This is how I feel in partnership with a chronic illness.

There is the diagnosis: (“OK..There you go, girl..)

And you walk out of the doctor’s office and face yourself as a solitary human being.

As far as I can tell, the quality of life depends on the stories we tell ourselves and how quickly we can come up with them.

And let them go in exchange for another.

I want a life steeped in the feeling of the deep green of that field as I masterfully negotiate that tractor from row to row.

I write stuff like this and it can sound rather like an outcast in some corner with treacle dribbling from the corners of her mouth.

It’s my story, though… and I’m stickin’ to it.

comments

2 Responses to ““OK.. There You Go, Girl..””

  1. Barry on November 4th, 2010

    treacle, damn, had to look that one up.

    “into the green perfume and heat of the day” lovely imagery …. took me back to childhood memories of summer.

  2. Elisa on November 4th, 2010

    It sounds brave and right and THE way to go!!!
    Hats off to you, dear girl.

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