Addendum


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Yesterday’s post generated quite a bit of response and so I decided to suss it out a bit today..

I feel good about the effort I put into my disability application and effort it took.

I had heard from various people that the more work you do for the SS department, the quicker you will receive an answer.

Duh..

I came across this sample Social Security Disability application posted on the web.

I followed this person’s lead and gathered all my medical records and organized them thoughtfully.

Things I wish I HAD included were a separate list of the beginning and duration of my association with each physician.

The MOST IMPORTANT thing I did include was a story.

I wrote a two page journal in prose form of a day in the life of Cathy.

Of course, I took this opportunity to pull on the heart-strings of the teflon shielded intake person..

But I did not lie.

I wanted to have the opportunity to read it out loud to her but there was no time.

Just the same, as I left I told her of it’s existence and she made a point of sifting through the 4 lbs. of paperwork I’d given her to locate it and set it on top and crimped the corner.

I realized then that she was a warm- blooded woman and even after her years of intake, she could still recognize my humanity and it reminded her of her own.

I know she read it.

And I know it made a difference in some way.

Writing those pages was a sort of revelation for me, as well.

I often think/worry that I am stuck in ‘the narrows’ I call it..

What IS my life? Do I even HAVE one? Do I make a difference? What’s with all this sleeping, for God’s sake? Am I still desirable as a human and a woman as well? If I have to take one more pill, I think I WILL croak. Am I just taking up space?
Do I still have it in me to have an effect in the world? WHAT EXACTLY IS IT THAT I DO WITH ALL MY TIME?

When I read back to myself the words I wrote on those pages I thought: “Cath.. if you EVER question whether you are actually DOING enough, remember to read this.”

It was startling to witness myself in this way.

I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and forget what that takes, sometimes.

I decided I am going to send what I wrote to my family because I know they worry and want to know these things (sort of) but I would not be able to tell them face to face without editing.

This all sounds a bit ‘woe-is-me’ to me..

Which I hate.

But really..

It is real.

And good to look at what we humans can bear with a lightness of being as our choice.

It makes me proud of myself.

And so very, very…

VERY grateful for the support I receive.

To keep pressing forward

Like a samurai warrioress.

comments

One Response to “Addendum”

  1. Muff on December 1st, 2010

    Maybe one day you can sare that story here. Good luck with the application — it sounds as if you did everything possible. So just relax and wait for the response.
    Peace,
    Muff

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