detail of sculptures, 1995, 12″ x 3″ (varies), porcelain


“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
– The Buddha

I gave the sculptures above to a friend years ago.

I find myself missing them very much.

They took me so long to create; each tiny hole pierced as it’s own mark in time.

Some people in the community ceramics studio I worked in at that time thought it was like voodoo..

Poking a figurative shape over and over as I sat there for hours in a trance-like state.

It was a viable conclusion to draw..

But, for me… it was REVERSE VOODOO.

Each time I pierced the forms I imagined that part of my body WAKING UP.

I was at the stage in my life where I was beginning to peel back the masks and costumes

To reveal myself… my Self with a capitol ‘S.’

So.. in the process of piercing and prodding these pieces of gorgeous and delicate white porcelain

I let this sort of self-inflicted acupuncture wake me up.

And now… years down the road… here I am still doing it.

I’m speaking metaphorically now, of course.

The woman revealed after all the seeming ‘navel-gazing’ as my life may appear to others

Is, at last, becoming quite vulnerable in the highest sense.

Like the young and moist clay I worked with back then..

I am slowly discarding the burnt and impossibly hardened layers

Left by the fire.

And what’s left is a new garden

In an unfamiliar location.

But the dirt smells fine.

And someone nicely has plowed the thing.

So now…

I am dropping my heart-chosen seeds carefully into the eager soil.

And I say a little prayer of gratitude to myself

For the courage, tenacity and discrimination it has taken

To keep choosing authenticity

Over convenience or costume.


One Response to “Voodoo”

  1. Laura Hegfield on December 27th, 2010

    Cathy, this is so beautiful…I hear what you are saying and how the process of poking those holes was part of opening…preparing your personal ground of being for where you are in your life now. This morning as I sat in the bath tub I noticed how cold the bottom of the tub felt against my skin compared to the warm water flowing in…now that my synapses are healing from the gabapentin, I am feeling sensations in my body I have not been aware of for well over a year…it is as though my body is waking up again. I don’t know how long this will last, when I will have a new exacerbation, but I am so grateful for this deep sense of being alive. I am also aware that losing the ability to feel…or control movement allowed me to cultivate my spirit in ways I would not have had I not been drawn out of my body from exacerbations and drug toxicity. This disease is a rare gift…I do my best not to squander a moment of my life. I know it is the same for you.

    blessings dear one.

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