detail of textile painting, 1980, pigment on wool flannel

I have a new person in my life who challenges me.

And I let him.

He said: “You don’t let your family help you.”

For some reason, when he said that, I heard him.

Here’s just one example of how closed I have been:

My brother, Peter, rode a whole 100 mile MS ride a couple years ago and I couldn’t even find it in myself to call him and let him have a look inside my heart to see what that effort on his part meant to me.

In order for me to deal with this health challenge, it seems I shut down in some major ways.

I am not proud of this.

In fact, my heart hurts.

One of my personalities stepped in and put her soldier hat on and started marching.

It seems I’ve been so intent on keeping step (so to speak),

That I’ve entirely missed a whole storehouse of kindnesses and invitations and offerings of support.

Yesterday, I sent my entire family the letter I wrote addressed to the Social Security Dept. which outlined a ‘day in the life of Cathy.’

My effort towards transparency gave me peace.

I know it was damn hard for them to read.

Because they love me and we all want those we care about to be living in ‘suffering-free’ zones.

This is where I’d like to have Buddha’s phone number…

Today, I feel so much more connected to my family.. more of the sister I know I have inside me.

I haven’t heard from all of them yet but the first reviews have been relieved, I sense.

Sobered but relieved just to know.

We can’t ever play our hand with the chance of a win if we keep it too close.

I am grateful to my friend for his forthrightness and urging toward this exposure.

He would say it is just ‘who he is.’

But we always have the choice to speak or be silent.

And we are until we’re not.

Today, I am grateful for my choice to speak.

(ps.. I have been asked to share this letter online but it feels too vulnerable, as yet.. stay tuned.)


2 Responses to “Exposed”

  1. Elisa on December 15th, 2010

    You are AWESOME!!!

  2. CWA on December 24th, 2010

    your friend is right <3

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