Iron Gate


“NAVIGATION”, 30″ x 45″, 2000, m/m
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I truly recognize that my ticket into true abundance is vulnerability.

I’m speaking of a particular kind of vulnerability, here.

We all hate the word, I know.

It is overused, has connotations such as ‘soft, weak, grow a pair, get over yourself ‘….

VULNERABLE as an adjective means ‘open to being hurt or wounded.’

The key word here is OPEN.

My life, these days, is turning markedly toward a miraculous inflow of goodness.

It renders me speechless, to be frank.

For a couple reasons..

One is a warrior-stance I have lived inside for too long:

That of the ‘I’ll give to you first so you’ll feel real good about me and that will deflect your attention away from how bad I really know I am inside but you are too stupid to see it.’

This is what is called SHAME with a capitol ‘S’.

It is the IRON GATE extraordinaire.

During this precious season of the returning light I have received two gifts of the ‘over-the-top-blast- your- heart-open-with- gratitude’ variety.

And in each instance it was VERY apparent that there WAS NO ONE HOME TO RECEIVE THEM!!!!!!!!!

I’m the GIVER! Not the RECEIVER!

Gifts of this magnitude are the purveyors of life-altering insight.

They put you right there at the wall..

Do you have a Self there which values it’s existence enough to open to the expression of love from another?

Or will you defend and squirm or just take leave and go through the culturally acceptable motions of gratitude and awe at your good fortune?

I hate writing about this.

I really do.

I want you to think of me as cool and together and wise and wonderful.

And there are those parts of me, sure..

But this thing of which I speak has had me by the tail for eons.

And now it is boring.

Not just neurotic or irritating.

But BORING.

Yeah.. I am well aware of the genesis of my shame.

But moving from that awareness into standing naked and RECEIVING ANOTHER’S LOVE without armoring up is another thing altogether.

The fact that these gifts are here in my life tells me that it is time for me to lay down my guns.

I am going to let these people in my life love me in this way and honor their gifts by receiving them fully.

They are giving to me in this way because they see someone here who is worthy of their efforts, time, money.

And until all of me believes that too..

I can honor their choices by softening my protective and ‘oh-so-overused’ muscles of deflective giving,

And truly receive their love and care.

Amen.

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One Response to “Iron Gate”

  1. Laura Hegfield on December 31st, 2010

    Amen indeed! Happy New Year Dear One! May the year to come be rich in blessings for you as you continue to open your heart to compassion…not just toward others but toward your most precious self…the one we see…the one you have forgotten about for too long…may you soften and recognize the blending of your humanness with your Divine essence…merging, flowing into the ONENESS that we all are. Vulnerable, beautiful, love.

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