Saving Spaciousness

detail of painting, 2001, m/m

Moving into more authenticity as a woman has meant, in part, becoming aware of my deep need for a sense of spaciousness in my life.

For me, that means lots of light, silence and connection-to-Spirit time.

This may sound as if I’m just a couple steps away from a monastery.

But really.. I have a very connected life.

I’ve noticed that as holidays approach I begin taking steps backward.

Away from the static and morass of cultural expectations,

And all the tempting goodies.

A friend recently told me of his 4 year old son’s comment while looking through a catalog; “Dad, this makes me want stuff..”

Uh, huh…..

Yeah, it’s clearly working..those pesky advertising people..

I like Christmas lights, and choral singing in old, adobe churches and Native American displays of their reverence for the season.

I like the sting of a surprise snow and my new shearling hat.

I like feeling in to what I ACTUALLY WANT MY HOLIDAY/LIFE TO BE.

It is a lot about space.

And that very space allows me to be fully present with people.


I cannot have one without the other.

Which has prevented me from knocking on the doors of the nearest monk-haven.

And so- I make it up and watch where my toleration level is crossed in either realm by registering how my body feels.

Because after all those years of numbing myself, my physical body is finally my greatest and most trusted tool for deciding what is good for me.

It will not let me over-ride it anymore.

And when I do, IT FEELS SO BAD.


2 Responses to “Saving Spaciousness”

  1. Laura Hegfield on December 15th, 2010

    I have had this thought too….of going to live someplace more silent some day, if my life were different, if I did not have a husband and children…I have imagined that…and yet I too love connection…I think this is the way of artists….we need solitude to connect with Divinity, with Creativity and we need to express our selves and therefore be heard, witnessed by humans….so there is this balance of alone and connected. And I think of MS as a gift that allows for a lot of “alone” time…I don’t (can’t) be out and about in the hustle bustle of the world without assistance…but when I do venture to gather with friends or family, the joy is tremendous (also exhausting…but totally worth it).

    bright blessings my friend

  2. Elisa on December 16th, 2010

    Ah yes!
    Deep Sigh….you have explained this so very well.
    As the morning rises, my soul cherishes the quiet all about.
    Thank you Cath

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