Tolerations


“GRID”, 5′ x 5′, 1992, m/m
__________________________

1-1-11

Another beginning.

Beginner’s mind.

I woke up this morning early and eager to write.

My computer is freezing me out.

I get testy and irritable and slam the mouse down.

I have things that I tolerate in my life.

Places in my life that are too small for me;

.

Anything or anyone
That does not bring you alive
Is too small for you.
.
.

-David Whyte
.
.
Making a list of resolutions has never worked for this girl.

Too heady and removed from the heart.

But the question: WHAT AM I TOLERATING?

It’s easy for me to go there.

I tolerate my messy desk.

I tolerate the fact I break my word to myself so often about promises I make like getting on my stationary bicycle.

There are bigger ones too.

And also smaller ones.

I tolerate my dog’s excessive barking and aggression while on walks which makes all my neighbors who I want to know give us an impossibly wide berth as we pass on the street.

I tolerate a draft from the window.

I tolerate the fact I still have not taken stuff to Goodwill.

I tolerate that my bathroom does not reflect the beautiful woman I feel like inside. I want beautiful containers for all the tools I use to BE that woman.

These seem like little things I’m reeling off here..

But they each hold parts of my mind hostage.

AND I WANT MY MIND BACK!

ALL OF IT!

So I can use her for more important fare.

Like creativity and loving and adventure and healing and fun.

I want to tell you all how grateful I am for your company, here, on my blog.

Your presence helps me take one step closer to my own truth

Which heals me.

I don’t take a one of you for granted. Not a one.

I’m going to shift the focus of this blog in the new year.

And give away some art in my process of making room for the new.

A toast to ‘beginner’s mind’ and a tip of my hat to y’all….

xxxxxxxx…….

a little reminder of keeping stuff in perspective..

comments

3 Responses to “Tolerations”

  1. Pam on January 1st, 2011

    Happy New Year, Cathy!!!!!
    Keep on bloggin’ !
    xoxo

  2. Laura Hegfield on January 1st, 2011

    hmmmm. this makes me think about what i tolerate. i tolerate the way my house is far messier than i want it to be, because i just don’t have the energy to clean up after everyone and maintain the space the way i want it to be (some days i tolerate this better than others, but over all this has become a big letting go and toleration for me) i tolerate the burning hot and tingly sensation in my right foot…i don’t want to go on another medication to make it go away and shield myself from the reality of what is. i tolerate not being able to drive and get out and about and work outside my home the way i used to. i tolerate fatigue that is so powerful i just fall down sometimes and the grace is not in the way i get back up, but that i am patient with my exhausted body and malfunctioning cns. i tolerate the way my mind wanders when i sit in meditation…and i am becoming more adept at this…at not judging…just bringing my thoughts back to a metta phrase or touching my breath when i realize i’ve drifted into a story.

    i embrace opening more compassionately to all the things i am only tolerating. i embrace trusting that tolerating is good enough, that is often the best i can do. i embrace each morning as a gift…albeit a complicated one at times…mostly it is pretty simple though (until my thoughts get tangled into a knot with my emotions…then i remember that i’m creating the tangled web and i can just as easily allow it to dissolve as be caught up in it if that is what i choose to do)

    i embrace gratitude for friends for family for this beautiful earth for connection to spirit and all that is was will be.

    happy new year cathy…i am so deeply grateful to have the opportunity to get to know you…never would have happened if i wasn’t home and on my computer so much…never would have happened if was physically healthy and too busy to read and reach out and welcome and connect…this is one part of ms that i embrace…it goes far beyond toleration:)

  3. Carol S. on January 1st, 2011

    Happy New Year Cathy. Love your voice. Good message. My sister and I were together for the holidays, and surfing the web, and sharing some favorite links. I showed her your site, and of the many sites I showed her, yours was one of the handful of links she made me promise to send. Creative, inspiring, bright and beautiful. Enjoy the new year and looking forward to seeing what’s next on your blog.

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