Warrior Girl

untitled, 2007, pit-fired ceramic, lgst.= 24″h

A friend said: “Cathy, I see that your warrior-self is working very, very hard. How is the little girl in there?”

I got really quiet.

I actually had come close to forgetting about her, altogether.

The state of envy doesn’t pop up in my reality very often.

But the truth is that I envy those challenged with any kind of shattering to the self they once knew

Who have a partner at their side for support.

This is a hard row to hoe alone.

It takes an inordinate amount of effort to remain connected

To the reality of ‘what is’,

To the outside world as a vital, contributing member ,

To God

And especially to my precious Self.

The gift of free will and choice

Sounds like a tidy little package when I write it

But when forced into the doctorate level

Of putting the theory into practice from one moment to the next,

A girl can get weary, I tell you…

I really don’t cry enough.

Tears have come easily for me watching a film like OLD YELLER.

But if I experience the leaden weariness preventing me from just rolling over in bed,

The warrior girl immediately steps up

With gumption,

Her jaw set just so.

This never-say-die chick has saved my life

On a regular basis.

So regular, in fact, that her costuming is pretty tattered

And her eyes lined.

I love her.

And she loves me.

And we tire of each other

And long for shiny, new company.

And isn’t it the ‘wanting’ of it all that is the problem?

So we step on……

And choose again..

And then again.


3 Responses to “Warrior Girl”

  1. Bibliotekaren on January 26th, 2011

    Cathy, I admire you for saying it out loud.

    I love certain qualities that the solo journey has cultivated in me. Simultaneously, I sometimes just would like a wee bit of help that didn’t have to be requested of friends or parties “outside” my daily life.

    In other posts you’ve noted the challenge of rising up to ask for help. For those of us flying solo, this is so immense and … endless.

    Every single need of every single moment of every single day, we must meet ourself or request, and arrange, the help from someone outside the home. Every time. Always.

    Those who help us likely care, or may even love us. It will broaden us both. We will grow, expand our comfort zones, and deepen our relationships.

    It is tiring.

  2. Laura Hegfield on January 26th, 2011

    I’m sorry for the loneliness, the weariness of carrying it all on your own. I can imagine but not fully comprehend your reality. I have been blessed with an amazing partner for nearly 25 years…and I do indeed recognize that I am beyond fortunate…that even had I not become ill, I would have counted myself deeply blessed. Its interesting, I look at your video and your small one floor space that you can navigate well on your own (perfectly tidy and aesthetically pleasing too as you do not have teenagers who drop their stuff any old place and leave it)…I wish that my house was not two storied, I wish I had a vehicle I could drive…but instead I have a husband who drives me and shops and prepares meals and carries me when I can’t do the steps. I wish I had a warrior self who had achieved all you have as an artist…I let that part of my life go once we had our first child, no “real” career…just jobs and the big one MOM…and I have found other things to fill my heart with joy…but never did the courageous artist thing…never did the independent woman thing…I started dating my husband at 21 was married at 23… I have unfulfilled wishes. Like you said to me earlier…the grass is always greener…except its not, and we both know that…it is just a different shade of green…not green-er.


  3. Carol S. on January 27th, 2011

    I like reading your posts, and your responses too. Bright people. Makes me think. Good partners are the best. Bad partners not so much. Shiny new company…sounds good.

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