Secret Place


“FOREST THROUGH THE TREES”, 2002, 40″ x 72″, m/m
_____________________________________________________

A friend told me yesterday that she really hesitated before calling me to ask if she could stop by as she was in the neighborhood.

I really felt for her as I have put up very distinct boundaries about disturbing me at home.

I have ALWAYS had what I call ‘a secret place’ in my life

To go to when I need to feel safe and ok just as I am.

In my youth it was a grassy field

Rimmed with huge trees

I would lie down in

And be lost to the world

And protected by the spirits of the place.

I’ve had forts in my youth

And a few as an adult.

I have my special and sacred ‘go-to’ places in New Mexico that never fail to soothe me with their particular salve.

When my friend mentioned her trepidation in even approaching me

I really understood

And had to look at the question:

‘Am I becoming a dyed-in-the-wool weirdo?’

Have I been challenged by a faltering physical body for so long

That I am more comforted by aloneness

And a sort of ‘secret life’

Than exchanging breath with the life happening beyond my driveway?

Have I made my home the secret place du jour?

There are two parts to this line of inquiry:

Yes,indeed.. I need a safe and nurturing place to heal.

And

Yes, I do believe when I really look, that I may have lost some muscles in the social interaction realm.

I guess the trade off for me

Is the fact that one of my greatest and most necessary choices in my own healing has been to lessen the cultural ‘static’

Which seems to severely affect my nervous system.

I see that pulling out of usual levels of cultural participation

Makes people around me nervous.

But I can not really worry about the results of my choices

Except to make sure they cause no harm.

I see that there is a bright and mostly shiny

Woman behind the eyes looking back at me

From the bathroom mirror.

She seems to exude health

Until she reaches for the wall to balance.

My choices seem to be serving me

And a great litmus test I use for health

Has been to watch to see that the secret place only holds my attention

For just so long

And then I must emerge

And tell all the tales

I’ve heard, there in the shadows;

The songs sung to me

The drawings in the sand.

comments

5 Responses to “Secret Place”

  1. Laura Hegfield on March 8th, 2011

    God, I relate to this… I feel like I could be the woman in your mirror.

  2. Carol S on March 13th, 2011

    I see this happening to me somewhat as I age, even without a faltering physical body. I prefer text and email to phone calls…send a message on my terms and my time. In many ways, I enjoy the phone rarely ringing these days. Your friend that called sounds sweet and thoughtful Good for her and I respect your safe place. Weirdo…can’t say for sure…but highly unlikely. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. suzi smith on April 8th, 2011

    mmm… ‘the cultural static’ is something i find myself less & less comfortable with & can identify so much with what you say, regardless of physical condition. It seems more of a spiritual necessity these days to me.

    I’d like to include this in my post for ‘the festival of the trees’ if you don’t mind?
    http://spiritwhispas.blogspot.com/2011/04/firsts.html

  4. sue on May 10th, 2011

    ‘Is the fact that one of my greatest and most necessary choices in my own healing has been to lessen the cultural โ€™staticโ€™

    Which seems to severely affect my nervous system.

    I see that pulling out of usual levels of cultural participation

    Makes people around me nervous.

    But I can not really worry about the results of my choices

    Except to make sure they cause no harm.’

    not for the same health reasons.. but i can so relate to all of this.

    and this…

    ‘In my youth it was a grassy field

    Rimmed with huge trees

    I would lie down in

    And be lost to the world

    And protected by the spirits of the place.

    Iโ€™ve had forts in my youth

    And a few as an adult.’

    so beautifully expressed ๐Ÿ™‚
    well wishes to you x

  5. A. Decker on June 4th, 2011

    Nice painting. I, too, completely relate to the need for a ‘secret place’ and lessened social static. And the late great Captain Beefheart would agree:

    “The way I keep in touch with the world is very gingerly,
    because the world touches too hard.” ~ Don Van Vliet, January 15, 1941 โ€“ December 17, 2010

Leave a Reply