I’m Not Giving Up


detail of painting on textile, wool flannel
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I wrote a post the other day entitled: “I’M GIVING UP.”

It was in reference to hosting an event in which I chose to sell most of my private collection of remaining art.

I orchestrated it as a mark in time

To help me and all parts of me

As well as letting the Universe know

That I am laying down my 30 year identity as an artist-in-form

Because my body is ‘different’ these days.

I did it with a very full heart.

With gladness.

I sat there and witnessed a good chunk of ‘time’ leaving

With my blessing.

The gift I gave myself was/is open space.

Emptiness… to love as is

Or, perhaps be filled by the Mystery.

Inside this process of give-away, sell-off, bye-bye darlings

Is wrath.

Wrath.

I have to say it again as I am quite sure I’ve never paid attention to that word

Let alone used it before.

And yet, there it is…

It’s visitation (for I know it will eventually knock on someone else’s door)

Shocks me.

I love my center.

It was lost for so long

And now I’ve found it.

I see I may have settled into a bit of complacency.

What to do with this quicksilver and searing

Unconsciousness

Directed at the beloveds in my life?

Yes, there are ‘reasons.’

Plenty of evidence to use as fuel.

But it’s dirty fuel.

Anger’s favorite gas is evidence.

It will run on and on

And on.

The fumes are so toxic, though.

It is inefficient fuel at best.

Today, I promised myself I would not give up

On my gentle heart.

The actions needed and the effects of

DESTRUCTION AND CREATION

Are messy, indeed.

Did I think I could sail through this life event

Of choosing to silence one voice

In order to make room for another to be born

Without any kind of fallout?

How silly of me.

I AM a gentle heart.

AND..

I am ‘other’ as well.

If I love and respect my own beingness

As I surely do,

Can I be humble enough to just notice what’s here,

Give it a nod or a bow

And move forward from the soft place

That seems to have the almost unbearable capacity

To house all these heretofore

Orphaned parts of me?

I am not giving up on myself.

I AM.

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