Clemency


detail of monoprint
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I have what I consider a strange habit.

I look to my eyes in the mirror probably 10 – 20 times per day.

What is the need to keep checking?

It really is not a vanity thing

But more of a temperature reading:

Does how I feel physically, emotionally and spiritually

Match up with what I see in my reflection?

My quest for authenticity

Helped me find this tool.

“I feel GOOD!” and after a brief gander at my eyes, sometimes I see the hardness there and the worry.

A lifetime of hyper-vigilance

Has taught me the difference

Between smooth and gleaming waters

And the rugged chop of an unknown sea creature

Barreling it’s way to the surface to sound.

My nervous system is stuck in overdrive

And God is the only force

Which seems to actually calm me.

I worry about getting to the next wall to hold on to.

Taking too much time to get dressed and being late for an appointment.

Unanswered phone calls. Wrapping a large wedding gift; (no wrapping paper, no card in the house, no strength to get them) and delivering it in a timely manner.

Bills unpaid.

Dishes in the sink.

Not wanting to eat when I SHOULD be eating..(I tend toward gauntness and am willing myself to eat more often and just MORE).

Are you bored yet?

I am.

I had to look up the definition of the word: CLEMENCY.

It means mercy. And leniency.

Mercy and leniency and mildness.

Yes, I know the word is usually used in association with crimes and misdemeanors..

Yet, in my book, a sin is only that which acts against our natural state of perfection and well-being.

Working my way through the ancient propensity

To live inside this ever-present nervous static

Is another exhaustion!

I know it’s there.

I am altogether sure it is not my natural state.

I am acutely aware that I needed the skill in my family of origin

And that it likely saved me.

Today, I do not need the thing

And yet.. I continually see it there behind my eyes when I look.

I can hate the static and demand it’s departure and blame it for all my woes.

But that sounds like what the general population

Does with any energy that stands in the way of what they want.

God is my last ‘go-to.’

For me, MS stands for ‘my static’

And of course, I WANT IT GONE!

These days I am practicing small gestures

Like a pause or a metaphorical hand smoothing my hair with the tenderness of a good mother.

Or drinking the air on my morning roll ’round the neighborhood with Olivia

And finding it fine as wine.

My nerves are so scarred and taut with anticipation of the worst

That they need mercy

And leniency

And forgiveness

And appreciation.

For here I AM still…

A courageous and continually curious woman in love with Life.

And that, dear readers, is a high accomplishment, indeed.

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