Black Whole


Untitled, 1992, 14″ x 9″, ceramic
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Let this photo stand to prove I made some scary stuff in my art career!

Interestingly, people have often used the word ‘scary’ to describe my work.

I think it is because I allow very primal places to be visible.

Today’s return to posting marks the longest hiatus I’ve taken from this blog.

There is a reason and I’d prefer to stay mute.

But I won’t.

This virtual place you’ve come to

Is about healing

Which, as we know, can be messy.

I am smack in the center of the new realities of my life:

I know what I’ll receive from Social Security Disability

Which is minimal as I never worked for anyone else but myself most of my life.

I’ll receive Supplemental Security support as well.

My family has stepped up to make sure I am not on the street.

It embarrasses me to say that until all ‘this’ started happening in real time

I really DID NOT GET IT;

‘It’ meaning the severity of the situation.

It is one thing to intellectually understand that your life is about to change

And quite another to negotiate the waters themselves.

By ‘negotiating’ I mean recognizing my new means,

Re-prioritizing to food and shelter,

And sitting with what feels very empty, at first.

Absolutely no more making casual decisions regarding money.

I remember my mother on her incessant quest for treasure through all the thrift stores in town.

Her soul was hungry from neglect.

Finding a designer ‘something’ filled her.

For me: I have done the same

With buying books, coffee, clothes, eating out…

All in the name of filling in empty places

With unconscious acquisition

And vague accounting.

By reconciling my financial life

And taking a real look at where and how I have used money

I begin to sense the reversal of

My lifetime of leaking life energy.

I sense that my heights of creativity

Allowed a balance point for the see-saw;

The life-force generated by my art-making

Did a good job of veiling the reality of a vague and untended relationship to money.

So now- I get an opportunity to life differently.

I say that with deep weariness in my bones, yes,

Because I am so damn tired of life-lessons.

People are whispering behind my back: “I wish her life was easier.”

And I wonder about that as well…

I HAVE had what seems like a lion’s share of challenge.

And yet..

The largest part of me keeps dusting her Self off

And putting lipstick on to begin another day.

Truth be told,

I don’t know WHAT I would do at a spa!

All the ‘hard’ stuff I have negotiated in my life

Has allowed my soul to feel lighter somehow,

And quite shiny, in fact.

It is a mystery to me, this phenomenon;

Shouldn’t there be more ease and glide in a life?

I have never once asked myself the question: “WHY ME?”

Because my experience of challenge

Has ALWAYS opened previously closed doors of my Self.

I see my courage, resilience, nod to the Sacred, and an intimate relationship with that which is larger than us, after all.

My heart is more porous and not so guarded.

I know better what Life is because I have the raven of Death on my shoulder.

My tears are wetter and my smile very real.

You are vital to my existence when before, I was sure I could go it alone.

The ‘shadow’ is my very good friend.

She has always spoon-fed me when I didn’t know where to go to feed myself.

I am not afraid.

(For the moment).

I can do this.

Today.

With support.

And gratitude.

That, there is the leavening agent.

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