Habit


detail of painting, m/m
_______________________

I had dinner with a very good friend last night.

I listened to myself tell him:

“One of the big reasons I love being with you is the fact I relax my innate state of anxiety. You are sort of like valium for me.”

That definitely came out all wrong so I backpedaled:

“Not valium in the sense of numbing or providing a buffer to Life.. more like with you, my whole Self relaxes because I feel safe, seen and perfect as I am.”

Hearing this, he relaxed himself and I continued:

“You had the blessing of true and reliable support and nurturing from your folks. That gift gave you the time and space to develop authentically without questioning your worth. I harbor the anxiety I do because of habit and not because I need to perform the endless check system I had in place with a mother who rejected me whose love I needed so badly.

I do NOT need to work so hard to prove my worth.

But the vestiges of the original question remain and amp up my nervous system even when I intellectually know I’m free.

The HABIT of contraction remains.

And when I am around you, I remember another way to be.”

My friend looked at me with a slightly veiled eye

Because he doesn’t really like ‘this kind of talk.’

He humors me because I know he thinks about what I’ve said later when he is alone.

And I’m pretty sure he counts his blessings that he is a foreigner to my battlefield.

I’ve surrendered a long, long time ago

But still find dirt in my fingernails on occasion

From the muscular grip

I need to muster

On this slippery slope.

I honor mySelf

For the woman I have become

With all her sheen and flaw

Because She is here.

And this passage as a lover-of-life

Is an EARNED state of being

And truly not a given.

comments

Leave a Reply