Darkness, Darkness

monoprint, 30″ x 22″, 1992

Because my temperment gravitates toward optimism

I really seldom get snagged by depression, thankfully.

I lived a long lifetime in my younger days with that damp and smelly wet blanket covering me. So long, in fact that I celebrate it being a MEMORY and not my reality.

That said, when I catch a whiff of it in my present state of being I tend to hate it.

Really, depression walks alongside us all and carries a sharp pin in it’s gnarly hand.

Unbeknownst to us it can sidle up and ever so quietly start an incessant and barely noticeable irritant of pin-pricking.

When I am depressed I forget who I am when I am not.

Because I now feel my beingness as a very alive presence

I tend to hate the feeling of flatness that arrives with depression. I want it gone. Now.

In this way I am no different than the youth of today I see addicted to video stimulation and the constancy and influx of information, noise, communication and a jam-packed psyche.

Their aversion to silence and emptiness scares me, frankly.

My personal aversion is depression. I am unable to just sit in it. It does not interest me and I want her gone. Just as our youth cannot bear silence, I cannot bear depression.

The thing is: if I am a warrior in life, I should be more fascinated by my adversary. Perhaps stop all the self-hatred that comes with the flatness.

And just sit in the sun, let myself miss a beloved class without judgement, leave the dishes in the sink

And just look out the window at the mountains.

Suffering allows me to see what non-suffering really is. This is the greatest gift of illness.

My gift to myself is the courage to be honest in the face of it (with you and with myself).

All I know for sure is that I can always count on change.

” Called or not called, God will be there. ”
-Engraved in stone over the front door of Carl Jung


3 Responses to “Darkness, Darkness”

  1. Barry on March 4th, 2012

    Depression is no stranger to me. I’ve found one of the effective tools in dealing with it is the philosophy “What you resist persists.” So often instead of thinking NO I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS, I remind myself not to resist and try to find my way back to “doing” as soon as I can. And it fades far quicker than back in the days when I fought like hell.

  2. Pamela Markoya on March 5th, 2012

    Vulnerability is strength… anxiety and resilience wiggle with divine energy when flattened. The Jitter Bug Dance. Dear Heart, worms and caterpillars are some of my most beautiful, grace-full and best friends. And they live close to the ground!

  3. laura Hegfield on March 10th, 2012

    “When I am depressed I forget who I am when I am not” well said Cathy.

    as much as I have an aversion to this wet blanket as you described it so well…anger is my nemesis…oh so sneaky that one…and rarely helpful, at least for me…it just creates trouble…but it arrives with thunder and gradually rumbles away into the distance.

    depression is a rarity for me these days…but once in a while that “memory” will pull on the edge of my frayed jeans and bring me to my knees, then face on the floor crying into thirsty earth… it shows up some days… but all of these feelings are our teachers, like ms… I so agree with you. we are learning to love life more and more, aren’t we?

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