untitled, 1985, drawing

Yesterday, I hated my body.

Yeah, I know… be gentle. it will pass. count on change and all that….

Fortunately (for everyone), rage is not a frequent visitor to my house.

Yesterday, every symptom was scratching at my insides for air-time.

Even new ones were creeping in.

It was grey and cold outside. My home was in disarray. Dishes in the sink. Dog needed walking. Appointments needed made. Projects finished in a timely manner.

My body was not precious yesterday.

It was the enemy and I hated her, it, them.

I had no energy to do otherwise so I just let it rip.

Crying, out-loud conversations with God, yelling at my dog (which I am still apologizing for..), cleaning up after myself with hefty doses of resentment and self-pity, covers-over-the-head rest periods, watching myself in the mirror at certain times to get the full visual impact of the rawness of this thing..

I was ugly. And real. And surprised at the power of this sleeping thing in me.

When was the last time you witnessed someone wail?

Likely, in a film.

With all my professions of interest in my transforming self (which are honest)

And the gravitation towards peace, vitality, an inspired life of connection which all seem to come naturally to me;

For all this to have a place in me, it’s opposite must also have a seat at the table…

And there she was- all self-centered, ill-mallered, fierce and inconsolable, dark, and raw- fueled only by fear and fear.

And you all must hear about it because I promised transparency.

It is part of my healing to speak.

I know I am surely not the only one.

Surely, surely not……


5 Responses to “Rage”

  1. Barry on March 21st, 2012

    Surely this should not have made me smile, but it did. Not because I’m not sympathetic, but it just created pictures of myself doing all that same stuff. And when I view my behavior in retrospect, it’s sooo absurd, it makes me laugh. Even on a daily basis, when my frustration has me cussing a blue streak, in the next moment I can be chuckling.

  2. Jane on March 21st, 2012

    I love what you say about the body constricting and the heart widening. Some day I feel like my body is a room with the walls closing in. I am exhausted, but never restful. Today I had just written a letter to someone about my anger at all I have lost. Then, for some reason, I googled “MS and spirituality” and found this. I am going to go back and read it again, because it is a better description of how I feel than I feel capable of writing right now. Thank you for speaking.

  3. Muff on March 21st, 2012

    Your post reminded me of the yin and yang of this disease. We crave that peaceful acceptance, but our humanity still intrudes, and we sometimes just must accept that other side of our existence. When I go through those rare, gut-wrenching, sobbing, tirades with myself, God, and the world, I usually end up feeling purged. Hope you had a similar resolution.

  4. laura Hegfield on March 24th, 2012

    not alone at all in this and I have heard this deep wailing arise from my own core…yes Cathy this is most certainly part of the healing process.


  5. Mary Gerdt on June 8th, 2012

    Well said! Have a great better day! Mary

Leave a Reply