Got Shadow?

Did anyone ever get to a morning without going through some shadows?

Part of why I have some success negotiating this path marked “MS” (I say success because my attitude and general state of being has remained remarkably free of vitriol which is a common and understandable side effect of chronic illness)

Is that I insist on having an interesting life.

I have MS on my plate at the moment and it is she I turn to (not having to turn very far) to be curious about.

The religion of ‘woundology’ as I call it is seductive indeed. We can find members at every corner willing to put their story in the basket going around and thereby keep loneliness at bay.

I am certainly not saying I do not need support because surely I do. And a lot of it.

I see that my life as an artist has trained me in what it takes to be interested in and to NEED the shadow. I know how to muck around in it, adjust my eyes to it’s nuance, be surprised by it, humbled by it, decipher the language I find there, grab the gifts and get the hell out if I can.

Have a metaphorical martini and approach again.

Oh, how I could bore you with my story. Everyone’s got a bestseller going. Everyone. Chapters of mine are inescapable because I have the visual aids of walker and wheelchair. You may be afflicted by arthritis or your kid is doing drugs or the home you just bought is teeming with mold or maybe all that sun you seared yourself under as a teenager has turned into cancer. All hidden. All human. Each with the potential to bring the house of cards down.

What to do… What to do?

No one really knows much of anything, I find.

And that right there is the great and grand leveler in life; it is all an inside job and no one can do it for me but me.

And so.. I just try to make it interesting.

And when it isn’t..it isn’t.

But maybe that will change.

Like everything.

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One Response to “Got Shadow?”

  1. Melissa on May 15th, 2012

    Dear Cathy
    Thank you for the opportunity to begin to know a little about you, and for sharing your words, thoughts, images, soul through your writing … and at the party last night. I am so glad Joan put us together at the end of the evening. You and our conversation–and of course celebrating Joan–were the high points of the evening. I would be honored to share journeys with you as we can. I see why you’re liking yourself!!! My Aunt Shirley had MS, and my cousin, wife of the former Prez of the U of Minnesota, started an MS center there in honor of her mother. This world is so interesting.
    Warmly and with a hug, Melissa

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