I Lied

“BLUE MAN” 14 x 14″ m/m

The casualties of a chronic illness are many.

I lied recently to someone I love.

I did it unconsciously and just to appear competent

When, in actuality I was too exhausted to do as I had promised.

Instead of asking for help I let days and then weeks go by

Without completing this fairly small but important task.

Then, the day came when I was in his presence

And held accountable for my promise

And in my mind I just couldn’t seem to really get it that I did not do this thing

So the excuses and stories just popped out of my mouth unbidden.

And now I am sitting here trying not to feel dirty.

Trying for the life of me to forgive myself for this infraction

Which feels like it was against all I hold sacred.

In my teenage years lying was so common to me;

I was trying to save my life by never letting my family know my truth.

Now, as the adult I have become

The action of a lie has the power to kill me- it is that much against my nature.

Sometimes I surprise myself in the darkest sort of way

As I deal with this physical challenge.

One day there is a Cathy who is so sure she can follow through on a seemingly insignificant task-

The next, there she is again- asking forgiveness from those her non-count-on-able faculties and feeble attempts to cover for them have affected.

I am living inside imperfection

As are we all.

The fact I hold myself accountable in this way is good news I think.


One Response to “I Lied”

  1. Barry on June 5th, 2012

    Yes, caring self observation is a good tool I think.

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