What Do I Want?


detail of painting
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The very act of wanting is a movement outside myself.

But I can’t help it.

My heart wants to be at peace. I know what the feeling of this is.. a quiet and ripple-free heart.

But I wake up each morning and begin collecting stuff inadvertently; ideas, people, lists in my mind of things left undone, guilt over not doing them, future thinking (I wish I was in a relationship with a good man), worrying how long my heaven-sent living situation will last, I wish my leg worked beetter, are the people down the street drug dealers?, my dog needs a bath, my desk is messy, I wish I was a better communicator with my family, do I have enough energy to do this errand?, I need a sun hat, the laundry……………

That was an example of about 4 minutes worth of mind-machinations.

And on and on it goes…

A friend recently gave herself the gift of a week long silent meditation retreat.

When my sister was here recently, she asked me what the purpose was of doing such a thing?

I gave her a truncated answer in the moment and said something like: “A week of silence allows an experience of discovering what the state of being is behind all our incessant thoughts.”

A thought-centric existence is quickly becoming uninteresting to me in lieu of my awakening to the salve of emptiness.

I want smooth and effortless.

In company with the Grace of a life standing comfortably in a state of NOT WANTING.

When I was a kid my family spent summers in Northern Michigan on a lake.

In the evening just after the sun went down we would go waterskiing on the cool and ripple-free water.

I could slalom ski (one ski) at that point and would stand in the shallows in readiness waiting for the sudden forward movement of the power boat.

I’d hop a few hops and then! I WAS UP! Skimming the glassy water.

With ever so slight a lean to the right my weight would guide me wide and out past the boats’ wake into perfectly undisturbed water.

I’d hover there until it felt right to do something different.

All the activity and noise of earlier in the day were at rest now and it was just me and the impossible ease of no-effort.

I needed nothing else.

I need nothing else.

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One Response to “What Do I Want?”

  1. gerry harty on June 2nd, 2012

    cathy it sounds just like me and probably every other human being…so consider us normal…whatever that is!!!…I”ve had my own “experience” the past 8 months with breast cancer …trying like crazy to enjoy every minute of every day…your writing about your journey helps me so much…loved your last post…you and olivia and both of you enjoying your 15 minutes of fame!!! keep on keeping on girlfriend xoxo

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