Pushing Back Against Chaos


detail of ceramic sculpture
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I wonder why my life has not been an easier ride?

I am talking relatively here as I’m fully aware I live in a place where all my basic survival needs are handled.

This very recent news I must relocate soon has awakened the specter of shame in me.

Shame because I do not have the luxury of leading a hidden life anymore- most of my life-theater is known by family and friends.

My vulnerabilities, strength, challenges, wins and losses on all levels are quite public.

People know exactly what is in my closet, how often I have to pee, my financial life is public and my have’s and have not’s have lost the sheen of privacy.

This is so partially out of choice as I write as an offering to you here

However, as I live alone without the support of another human in my home to witness me in these challenges I face

I have had to reach out to friends and family for help. In that reaching my life becomes quite transparent.

The rest of my family seem like they have such tidy lives.

I am not sure of this because they have not needed me as a support or shared the shadowy corners inherent in their own lives.

And so- I get caught in thinking they don’t have any.

And I feel ashamed about mine.

I do not have the luxury of a secret life.

On one hand this is a relief but my next breath has the familiar heaviness to it.

The only salve I have found for the quivering that arrives with uber-transparency is the act of staying right with WHAT IS…

Not what I wish for but what actually IS and the truly authentic life I am building by the very act of living with the pricks and prods of what feels unbearably vulnerable at times.

MS has helped me get real.. really real.

I NEED! I CAN NOT DO LIFE WITHOUT HELP! IT CERTAINLY DOES LOOK VERY MESSY AT TIMES!

If God offered me the opportunity for a ‘do-over’ life would I take it?

No… a thousand times no.

And why? Because I got this hand and I am playing it the best way I know how and it has changed me from an armored tank into a woman of substance;

A warrioress on the fields of chaos and more innocent and unapologetic in repose.

comments

3 Responses to “Pushing Back Against Chaos”

  1. Diva on a Detour on September 29th, 2012

    Cathy,
    It has been a while since I read your blog. I happened back upon it today and I thank you for your wonderful writing. I really needed to read this today, so Thank you so much! One book I read and recommend you check out: Self-Healing Made Easy by Betty Iams (she was diagnosed with PPMS 17 years ago and through much of what she writes about in this book she has put her MS in complete remission with no signs of illness after experiencing compromised gait and losing leg strength. It has really helped me re-focus my efforts on my own health journey! Best of luck to you!!!!!

  2. Adele Rosen on October 1st, 2012

    your gift of your unfolding blossoming beauty overwhelms me
    your warrioress truth pierces my heart
    thank you thank you thank you

  3. singingbirdartist on October 2nd, 2012

    yes…yes….shining your truth is a gift! modelling receiving with grace can teach others how to ask and receive too, a ripple effect that helps tip the world towards kindness and respect…
    and that is SO needed!

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