Breakdown Dancing

Most people I know have been entertaining the flu this season.

Or they have been stripped to the bone by the herculean energy and effort it takes to navigate a once-friendly-but-now-fierce world with even a modicum of grace.

My personal trials have come in the guise of the question: “Where the hell am I going to live after March 1 and can I even afford an affordable housing development and how do I do what all this asks of me when I do not feel well?”

Where/what/who is ‘home’ anyway?

My spirit animal is the turtle and I keep learning from her that in the end we all will realize that we must carry our home with us and not do ourselves the disservice of leaning too far into the comfort or beauty or safety of a coveted abode

Because sure as shit- it can be gone in a nanosecond.

Soon I will move out of this gorgeous place I’ve lived in and into a temporary place for a couple weeks, stuff goes into storage then move again to a newly built apartment complex and a space outfitted for the disabled in me.

I have never set eyes on it.

Yet this is where I will be.

There are little deaths every day.

Once I felt free.

And now am beholden and often feel too transparent to my supportive family.

Privacy has gone by the wayside.

We are all negotiating this new territory that is ragged and whipped up with instantaneous dirt-devils appearing out of nowhere.

We are all full of grit and grime

Because it is happening so fast

And our parkas and bullet-proof vests are in some closet

Forgotten

Because we have been mercifully complacent

Until now.

We lost that privilege.

I crave a strong drink with an umbrella

And possibly a cigarette to pose radically with.

Anything to make the rock tumbler get to the reveal of the gemstones

When before they weren’t worth a second look.

I like the rock tumbler metaphor:

It takes grit and friction and steady time to transform an algae-crusted nothingness pebble

Into an agate anybody might even want to EAT, it’s sheen and beauty attract us so..

I think it is this way in the ‘breakdown’ times:

GRITTY and TUMBLING and SEEMINGLY ENDLESS and GREY and ORDINARY

Somehow opens into clarity.

It happens every time.

But seldom in OUR time….

Pesky time…

comments

4 Responses to “Breakdown Dancing”

  1. Adele Rosen on February 20th, 2013

    You are not just a cowgirl

    You are a rodeo queen

  2. Michele in Vermont on February 21st, 2013

    I have just descovered “Undone”. You massage my feelings. Thank you. I am grateful for your words and art.

  3. laura Hegfield on March 28th, 2013

    no words just LOVE.

  4. Lindsey on April 11th, 2013

    Hi Cathy,
    I just discovered your blog through Karen Gordon’s website. Your words touch me – they are beautiful and dig deep into my heart. I was just diagnosed with MS last month – yet no one would be able to notice – nothing for me has changed physically…but at some point, everyday, I am forced to face what may be my future. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid. Your search for an authentic self is inspiring. I’ll be following your journey and enjoying the beauty you are adding to the world!

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