Comin’ On Home

she walks
painting on wool flannel
________________________

I find myself using this image I created from so long ago more than any other.

Why?

Well- it gives me a visceral experience of courage, the great unknown, the Big Mystery, hope and the sense of: “What the hell else is there to do, Cath, but move forward?”

I am uninterested in drama and the forthcoming laundry list of recent life ‘opportunities’ is an attempt to fill in THE VERY BIG BLANK I left you all with on this blog:

* move out of long-time beloved home and into rental until new apartment opens up (thinking 2 weeks).
* rental place is very inaccessible, dirty, depressing and dark.
* after over 1 month I must find new place to live as tenants returning to rental.
* move again to hotel w/ cooking facilities
* stay there another month
* FINALLY apartment is ready!!!!
* move in and love it.
* washer and bath flood apartment 3x. Construction company puts me up at Holiday Inn while my floors are jackhammered.
* stay 6 days
* FINALLY I am given the go-ahead to move back home.

And here I sit at my own computer writing to you from my lovely though not as yet fully unpacked, HOME.

Now- for an able-bodied person these challenges would be just that- challenges. For someone in my position with challenged abilities they border on deadly as stress wreaks havoc and fatigue curtails the necessary tasks of living (like eating and exercising and grooming). Yes- I was a dirty girl at times..

I lost weight. I lost functionality. I couldn’t access creativity.

I read. Watched cable TV. Made trips to the library to use a computer. Took Livvy for rolls around parking lots surrounding hotels. Went deep inside myself and spoke to very few friends. I isolated because I had nothing to say and no energy or inclination to be acceptable company.

I got depressed.

Then I got ok again.

And so forth and so on…

I waited in stasis mode for a respite and tried not to beat myself up for all the things I wasn’t/couldn’t/didn’t want to do.

What was the lesson in all of it?

What was I to learn?

This life of mine could be titled: “THE GREAT UNDOING”

Who I was, ISN’T here anymore.

Who I am is a work in progress; messy, raw, real, separate, connected, grateful, angry, tired, curious, lively, fun and not.

Honestly… I’m getting more honest… I am disappointed in myself and others less often. I can usually find the gold given enough time.
What interests me most right now is setting up my life to return into life WITH that very gold; by writing, speaking, connecting.

Moving forward..

comments

5 Responses to “Comin’ On Home”

  1. Jane on May 15th, 2013

    Dear Cathy – You’re right, all that just does not seem doable for a person with MS.. But, I am reassured to hear that, at times, you, too, resort to cable watching TV and being less than your best self, because I give myself so much guilt when I get stuck there. I have been comforting myself by thinking that this is a hard row to hoe, that this is nothing personal, or my fault. It’s a disease. Actually, it’s a really hard disease if you have issues regarding accepting things about yourself, Which is one of the things I’ve needed to learn for a long time (along with I am not my body OR my ego). MS ca be a guru, although a harsh one.. I’m glad you’re still here, I’ve come to look forward to you revelations.
    Jane

  2. Cathy on May 15th, 2013

    People often tell me they would never be able to get through the challenges I have on my plate. The thing is- we never quite know what we can do till we do it. I keep surprising myself, actually.

    Thank you Jane for being out there in the ethers. NO ONE could do it alone and thankfully I don’t have to w/ the presence of my ‘tribe’ out there reading.

  3. MaryBeth on May 15th, 2013

    Dear Cathy,
    I’m glad you’re in your new home. And I’m glad you’re back online. You give

    me strength to face the lovely challenges that MS brings. There are times I

    don’t feel I can go on, but that simply isn’t a choice. I agree; no one can do it

    alone. I am very thankful for everyone I have in my support system.

    Take care. .

  4. laura Hegfield on May 23rd, 2013

    sending love wishing I could send more than that Cathy… and then again perhaps when all is said and experienced… love is the only thing that matters or ever did.

  5. Bob Mirek on June 4th, 2013

    Cath
    Seems like not too many days have passed since walking the woods with you and wondering where all things would lead. Seems health is something we took for granted and thought we’d have plenty of creative/productive life-filled moments to go.
    I’m not sure why I’m saying these words now. I only know I value time and energy and pure moments more acutely than ever before and will always remember the time we shared and continue to share.
    We need to keep on keepin’ on is all I can think to say.
    Know you are loved.
    Bob

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