I Like To Watch

gift of tears
porcelain sculpture, 5″ x 2″

I had a secret place when I was a kid. It was a short bike ride from home and I’d go there for solace from an intolerable and toxic family experience.

It saved me.

It was a very non-human (except for me) experience; Nature with her greenness and protective forest-rimmed meadows populated by pops of color and a world of insects and birdsong.

It was my safe place.

Safe because no one knew.

No one could find me until I wanted to be found.

My body sank into the good dirt and my mind relaxed itself and dropped the hyper-vigilance.

As an adult I find car is my safe place and has been since I could drive.

I prefer to drive alone. I’ve covered many miles of road just looking..

Looking at stuff..life.

Driving has been/is a spiritual experience for me. Something ‘other’ takes charge as I go along. The logical me steps to the side and the ‘witness’ me takes care of operating the machine (I am a very good driver BTW) while I take Life in.

I have spent a good deal of time in parking lots.

More so now my stamina won’t carry me out into the wilds of New Mexico on road trips.

Nobody knows this about me; the parking lot thing. This is a confession, I guess.

I always wondered about myself but not enough to really figure it out.

It pleases me- parking myself w/ dog somewhere nice and airy and watching..

Watching Life with a capitol ‘L’.

I do this in cafes too.

Most times alone.

People wonder, I tell you.

What is the draw for me? Why the solace in these things?

Because of my dicey upbringing I don’t trust many humans. If I am a moving target there is a built in safety inherent in the very movement.

This is OLD BRAIN stuff I’m talking about here.. not logical or rational.

If you can’t find me you can’t hurt me. (This coming from a 58 yr. old…)

The old brain safety fostered by anonymity has always fueled my creativity and still does today.

I’m just a girl who loves the world and has a hard time feeling safe in it… thus living alone and loving it.

The thing is that the tendency to isolate doesn’t serve me as I really, at my natural and unaffected core am a true lover of people and need and adore to connect.

I am so interested in discovering this ‘safe place’ need and how it manifests for me.

I’m equally intrigued to do what it takes to assure a hefty dollop of connective living which is my best medicine.


One Response to “I Like To Watch”

  1. Jane on June 3rd, 2013

    Safe places – as a child I remember being at the beach with a towel over my head and the sounds of people shouting, the warmth on my body, and the waves. The light showing through my towel, the smells of suntan stuff – my private world.

    Getting grounded required some isolation, it still does. I do love life and its characters, but I need that towel sometimes (OK, a lot of the time).

    Could it be that writing about these inner spaces (or exposing them in whatever way we are inclined), – these spaces which were once inseparable from feelings of shame, is how we turn the prison of isolation into a shared space for our collective, safe places.

Leave a Reply