Archaeology

I am re-posting the following because….well- just because.

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monoprint, 1990, 30×22
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Archaeology

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Yesterday I felt positively radiant.

Today? Well…Let’s say major slippage has taken place.

You know, one of THE most exhausting things about this whole MS challenge is trying to figure out the cause of an effect… Why could I walk yesterday, have a reserve of clear energy and feel great about every darn thing, while today there are tears doing their best to push forward with no let up in sight, my foot curls under itself and my muscles ache and stiffen so I walk like Frankenstein? I am so tired and then I am afraid. Afraid that it will always be this way; that all the gorgeousness of yesterday will never be again…

UNTIL! Until I remember that CHANGE is the only constant! THAT is what I can count on!

So…. I go to work:

I go down the list and ask myself:

1. Do I need to drink more water?
2. Did I eat something that affected me? Or not eat at all?
3. Is there stress I need to handle somewhere?
4. Did I take all the stuff that supports me? (supplements, medication)
5. Was I out in the sun too long?
6. Did I use more energy than I can generate right now?
7. Did I stay too long with people who are too much ‘work’?
8. Did I take time to be silent today?
9. Did Spirit get too far away?
10. Did I forget to protect myself energetically out in the mad, mad world?
11. Did I not ask for help when I had the chance?

Each time this really scary loss of ground happens to me I contract into fear until I grab myself by the scruff of the neck (gently) and ‘re-up’ into life. The time it takes to do this gets less and less as I keep proving to myself that their really ARE causes for the effects and I am smart so I can find them, do what’s needed and carry on in some kind of graceful and radiant way.

When all is said and done, the gratitude I feel in ‘the return’ always brings me to my knees because in the shadowy recesses of my mind, I know it is not a given.

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2 Responses to “Archaeology”

  1. Carole Zoom on April 6th, 2014

    Beautifully said Cathy. I broke my leg last week in a transfer. The days since coming home from the hospital have been great hard awful hard great for a variety of reasons. I have a similar checklist. But also took a moment this afternoon as things were neutral to good to say to to myself: savor this moment.

  2. nancy ungar on May 29th, 2014

    Savor this moment is always on my mind, because in 6 months it may no longer be possible and my life will become smaller yet. I dread losing the one hand I have. I dread losing the ability to make art. I dread my husband’s constant bewailing of my condition. He sees only what has been lost; not what has been gained.

    And I keep fighting.

    As an artist, I am used to disappointment and failure. My life has, I hope, prepared me for this struggle.

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