installation, 2009, red earth from Jemez, NM, ceramic, plants


I remember a bargaining with God phase in my life..


Who are we kidding here?

Just the other day I was saying: “Dear God. If you give me the strength to go to this lecture tonight, I will clean my desk tomorrow. For real.”

Over the years I have read too many spiritual books espousing the right way to pray: never with supplication, FEEL it first in your body, a wish or half-baked desire will never work, say it once then let it go…

Then there have been the various teachers I have respected expecting us to pray to their deities but the names were all wrong and the relationships I imagined with them were just that – imagined.

I realized I had so much anxiety about how to do it that I WAS NOT EVEN TRYING anymore.

For me- life feels flat if I am not connected in to something larger than me.

This I call God.

One of the true gifts of living with a chronic illness is the probable eventuality that we are taken to our knees.

The view from here may feel unfamiliar but when we finally get there we are VERY sure we cannot do our days and nights alone any longer.

And so we pray.

My prayers of late are fierce and sometimes said punctuated by sobs and erie animal-like sounds.

They are demanding, angry sometimes, confused and truly supplicant.

Other times my prayers are stitched together with gratitude and this kind of communion feels so right and good and genuine.

Lately, I prayed for a booster injection of hope.

The very next morning I woke to a softened heart and an urge to create and connect.

This is God’s language to me.

Willing my life’s direction has become boring, uninspiring, disconnected and far from the sacred.

“Dear God, please burn away anything and everything that separates me from you. Use me. Use me up. I will wait to hear back from you.”


2 Responses to “Prayer”

  1. Dion Flannery on April 24th, 2014

    Very beautiful and moving

  2. CarrieBallantyneEckhold on April 25th, 2014

    You never cease to inspire thought and gratitude.
    Thank you beautiful Cathy

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