Preserving Dignity

re-fine

I put a huge amount of energy toward keeping my boat aloft so-to-speak.

The challenges of keeping myself up as a functioning human include strange and complicated physical activities a person not challenged by chronic illness should count their lucky stars they can not even imagine,

Along with just the every day grooming, brace tightening, one- handed makeup-putting-on, one-handed showering, pants-pulling-up and typing..

With all that there is the whole spectrum of psychic machinations I must negotiate;

Like the ping-pong motion of being aware of the weariness my family/friends must feel having had to lend me all kinds of support over such long periods of time

And the immense gratitude I feel.

Have I thanked everyone enough? Do I have the energy to do what I want to do for them?

What about staying in touch with people on a regular basis? Making sure I give my dog the best life I can is a must.

Thankfully, my fabulous caregiver keeps my lovely apartment clean and tidy which helps my mind stay clear.

I know my neighbors wonder at my reticence to interact most of the time. How could they know what it has taken for me to get out the door some days? I have just so much juju to go around. I almost feel feral at times; long periods not speaking to anyone, accompanied by my own thoughts which are very interesting at best.

I get into trouble if I don’t stay connected

But I need to protect myself so much.

It is a life of walking fine lines.

Fine, fine lines.

One minute I’ve got the perfect balance down

And the next I’m lying in the dirt.

Dignity comes with a LOT of perseverance.

Thankfully, I am good friends with humility.

comments

3 Responses to “Preserving Dignity”

  1. CaroleZoom on May 25th, 2014

    Amen sista. Preserve your energy and spend it on whomever and whatever you fancy, or that you can manage. The choices are hard.

    When someone invites me to their house, I am always flattered and would usually love to. But it’s a complex calculus to decide how steep a ramp or how much lifting a visit with anyone , no matter how important to me, is vis a vis my health and energy. I’m sure you know that drill.
    Z

  2. Irene on May 27th, 2014

    You are connected to those of us reading your posts…your spirit shines through your words.

  3. nancy ungar on May 29th, 2014

    That you can do this blog at all is a window into your perseverance, strength and creativity. Alone in your cave (as an artist you must be used to aloneness), you are inspiring.

    Thank you for being who and where you are, doing what you do with what you have. How many people can lay claim to that?

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