hand-painted terry robe, 1986


“It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There’s almost no such thing as ready. There’s only now. And you may as well do it now. ”

-Hugh Laurie – actor


I had lunch yesterday with a friend I had not seen in over 10 years. She is in partnership with MS too.

She is a shining, radiant gorgeous being in every way.

I watched her struggling with a cane for balance and it literally hurt my heart.

This brought back memories for me of pre-walker and pre-wheelchair days.

My identity as a walking woman was carved in stone and nobody was gonna tell me different.

Adding more hardware to my accessories list was not an option in my mind. “HOSPITAL” equipment is SO ugly…just searingly ugly.

And besides that I would cross the line into “THOSE SICK PEOPLE” instead of being one and trying to pass for something else.

In my experience, perhaps the hardest obstacle needing to be met in the disability world is melting the identities we cherish and reforming ourselves into someone else entirely.

When a therapist told me years ago as I was entering ‘walker-land’ and having major issues about it: “Cathy, do you deserve support?”

Well- pathetically, I had to think about it for a moment but my answer arose as a quiet “YES.”

That “YES” has become louder and more ready over time as I see all this hardware/therapy etc.. making my life so much less stressful.

And so it goes- as new and unfamiliar obstacles arrive for me to deal with I go back to that question I was once asked and try to soften into the next little death of ‘the Cathy-that-was” and try to be fascinated by ‘the Cathy -that-is.’


3 Responses to “Ready”

  1. Jane on July 21st, 2014

    Cathy, thank you for this. I am still in my cane days and struggling, not ready yet for full on support in so many ways. I’ve just come out of a brief remission, and while it was happening I actually thought I was getting well. Reluctantly, I have picked up my cane again. Also, bought an ice vest so I can work in my garden. It would be so much easier to adapt if this disease would stay still; now, my body is still willing to walk, at times, and it can fool me into thinking there is nothing wrong. This after an entire morning of looking for lost items. Somehow, I must settle into this – I need to be in partnership with MS because it is now part of me.

  2. Bryan Adams on July 22nd, 2014

    Walking the landscape of the mind and spirit with the ‘Cathy-that-is’ is fascinating and inspirational. Thanks. ––Peace and Love

  3. Barbara McDaniel on July 22nd, 2014

    wow, you are some kind of fierce, what an amazing soul you are. thank you darling for living and writing with such grace, courage and panache!

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