Largesse of Longing

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“GO” monoprint, 22×30″ 1993
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I’m a big Joseph Campbell fan. In his book: REFLECTIONS ON THE ART OF LIVING he mentions at the age of 80 he looked back and saw that his life had opened perfectly, chapter by chapter, so that in the end he saw that all his complaints of “shoulda been” were wasted effort. His life was going to do just what it was supposed to do after all.

After a lifetime of holding myself as and hearing from others that I was: ‘too sensitive, not a terribly responsible citizen, depressive, delinquent, lacked linear functionality etc., etc…

I see that my desires, penchants, proclivities were/are all way-showers.

Now- I’ve been looking for Home all my life. I was born in a car just outside the hospital and labeled “impure” because I had the world all over me.

Back then Home meant a nurturing family and a secure place within. Now it means a feeling of indescribable peace.

I’ve done drugs, made bad mistakes looking for adventure, married and within 2 seconds slipped into a servile mess that embarrasses me still.

Looking, looking, looking to connect, love well, be a part of something, have an acceptable identity, wear my ‘normal suit’ to escape the fact I felt utterly lost in the world.

Oh yeah.. I can play a good game but all this time I’ve been looking… looking for Home.

One of the true luxuries of a disabled/chronically ill life is time.

Most people have to go on vacation to get some uninterrupted time but even then one needs extra time to let go into the space available.

I have time. Open, squeaky clean time.

I feel my longings sometimes painfully. I WANT to go adventuring. I WANT to drive. I WANT to wear cowboy boots. I WANT to eat chocolate cake from that restaurant…ad infinitum.

My desire for adventure I now assuage rolling down charming streets and seeing that I used to use driving as an anxiety reducer; more about the motion and desire to get somewhere. Now that my motions are restricted I have a VERY intimate relationship with my world- the thing I always wanted but was going too fast to settle in to. A piece of Home.

My longing for cowboy boots translates into knowledge I must pay attention to- I have a rough-n-ready girl in here who needs attention. Lately I swear a lot. IT FEELS GOOD! It seems to be a fine buffer to me as the fucking good-girl-at-all-costs. I feel free and light and fierce when I swear! I can tell it is helping me get to my authentic voice which, surprisingly is a wee bit nasty..again, I am closer to Home.

The sweetness is obvious. Feeling sated by favorite food is part of Home. That interior atmosphere of no empty places and immense gratitude for the sensation of wanting nothing.

That is my definition of the Home I seek: wanting nothing and resting in that space.

The gift of longing seems to be that each and every one acts as a seductive thread which when cut leaves us with a magnificent wardrobe we never even knew we had.

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7 Responses to “Largesse of Longing”

  1. Alexandra Eldridge on August 31st, 2014

    Wow!! I am speechless. You are the Wise Woman of all times. Stunning! I will think of you often in my retreat as I go deeper and deeper. With love, A

  2. Kathryn Minette on September 1st, 2014

    You said it so perfectly. Whether we have a chronic illness or not, we are all seeking the same thing-Home. It is time to slow down and take account of what we have and live in gratitude even if we have to curse now and again. I think of you often. Much love and courage, Kathryn

  3. Jane on September 1st, 2014

    In having the courage to be as you are you create space for me to be as I am. I count you among my wisest teachers. Please don’t ever censor or dilute yourself.

  4. Jenny on September 1st, 2014

    And I am so with all these responses too. Much love jenny

  5. Bryan Adams on September 2nd, 2014

    All the above–––ditto. Peace and Love

  6. Diane McGregor on September 2nd, 2014

    You have revealed exactly what I have been thinking but couldn’t really grasp or put into words — especially: “The gift of longing seems to be that each and every one acts as a seductive thread which when cut leaves us with a magnificent wardrobe we never even knew we had.” Thank you, Cathy xoxox

  7. Adele on September 5th, 2014

    I love you so much

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