“BLACK MESA” 30″x5′, m/m, 2004


It scares me when I find myself talking/thinking about death a lot.

A prayer I repeat often goes: “God..please burn away everything unreal and let me live in what is left.”

This is a “be careful what you ask for” kinda’ thing I can assure you.

Where does fortune come into this conversation?

I feel fortunate to be on the “MS Path….” (capitalization intended). Not to wish this hell on anyone but for me- my prayer is being answered.

My nephew shared this link which rocked my world.

I need reminding daily that what I experience as real in my daily life is pure projection.

I’ve/we’ve got this body-thing going. It’s GREAT! Then it’s not. Then it’s really not. Then it’s great again.

What’s the deal? What shifts?

Why did I write write yesterday that becoming engaged in a project which captivated my attention made me want to re-up into life again when before every damn thing felt too hard to bear?


Death? -Life
Ugly and weak? -unapologetic in my vulnerability
Sick and tired? -leading a blessed life of contemplation
Victim? -warrior
Addicted? – discovering the empty place needing attention
Can’t drive? – wow..this rolling around town is so fun
Tired of being too tired? – I’ve taken care of people all my life and seem to need ALL THIS SPACE NOW.
This life feels too small and it’s closing in on me… (see link above)



3 Responses to “Fortune”

  1. Jane on September 7th, 2014

    I identify with the shifting perspectives. Sometimes I feel like I’m living in the midst of an internal weather system that is quite dramatic in its leaps and bounds. One of my favorite mantras is one I got from you, I believe: “Slow is smooth and smooth is fast”. Everything works better when I slow it way down.

    Or as Lily Tomlin puts it: “For fast acting relief, try slowing down.”

  2. Bryan Adams on September 8th, 2014

    Thanks for the reality check.

  3. laura Hegfield on September 10th, 2014

    Every moment of every day we might turn this way or that in our thinking and our whole inner world of experience shifts (this way or that)… it is a gift to be mindful in these fragile bodies for rent.

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