Rabbit Hole Reconnaissance

divorce
detail of painting, canvas, oil
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Sometimes I find myself holding the truth back from you..myself too.

I depend on my natural instinct to keep moving forward into the “whatever” with all my tried and true weaponry, power tools, prayers and presence.

Sometimes, as of late, Cathy’s familiar antidotes to the near annihilation of my life-force don’t cut it.

And I must find new ways.

A new tack for my boat.

This process of discovering what’s the next correct decision for me demands SURRENDER, TRUTH-TELLING ABOUT WHAT IS, ASKING FOR HELP and REMEMBERING I AM NOT ALONE.

The specifics are that I have hosted a bladder infection for 5 months now. An over-use of antibiotics beginning in my teens for treatment of skin prone to break-outs has left me dealing with an infection now so used to antibiotics that it just says: “Oh..you again? Fuck it. I like where I am all toasty warm here in your bladder and I WILL stay here no matter what you dish out!”

This past weekend, after 5 separate rounds of medications and poor to none human contact with the doctor I lost it..

Too weak and tired and frustrated on every level to function even close to normal I just cried..

I cried loud and long. Fear came calling. I let it in as I hadn’t the strength to object.

This morning I woke early to bright sun seeping in through the previously untouched blinds.

“I MUST LIVE! I WILL LIVE!” I say aloud.

I showered and scrubbed the deadness off me.

Addressed myself in the mirror: “What do you know about life, Cathy Phillips Aten? ..

#1- All we can count on is change…#2- What we are so sure is REAL is not…#3- Get thyself to the smartest person you can find for healing…#4- The cure for most everything is a delicate application of red lipstick. So red one must do what it takes to MEET the power of the color.”

And so I did.. put myself together to meet that color and the world.

Went out the door and praised the sun on my way to visit a fine friend.

I sat very tall.

It seemed a miracle that I knew just what to do to claw my way out of that rabbit hole!

I had everything in me to make it happen.

I have everything in me.

comments

5 Responses to “Rabbit Hole Reconnaissance”

  1. Rita Kindl Myers on October 13th, 2014

    Thanks for providing me with a new mantra: “I have everything in me.” This made me smile.

  2. Karen McAdam on October 13th, 2014

    Thank you, that is exactly what I needed to hear today.

  3. Jenny on October 13th, 2014

    Do you know I don’t wear makeup/lipstick at all but maybe I will! AND YOU R NOT ALONE. Nor any of your wonderful family of people who write in response to your writing. We are so in this together.

  4. barbara mcdaniel on October 14th, 2014

    oh, honey…i LOVE your courageous heart! meeting the realities of life and death armed with wit and a red lip. you are one of a kind, sister!

  5. KK on October 14th, 2014

    Red lipstick says, “Here I am, by God, so there!”

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