What Makes Me Come Alive?

“WOMAN BECOMING” 70×42, m/m


Winter came.

I felt isolated, dogless, flat over the weekend.

My friends I spoke with felt equally adrift; “What is my purpose?” “I just wanna watch TV.” “I have a stomach ache.” “I’m just over here cleaning out drawers and I don’t even know why.”

Pulling in when one is already IN is dicey territory.

Here comes winter and my body and spirit balk at the tightening up, bundling up, showing up for the naked trees and infinite colors of grey.

Here’s a confession: I have a hard foam baseball bat that I use to get my blood moving sometimes.

It goes like this: Feel physically like my blood is stagnant, my heart can’t remember the last time it was moved and I am boring myself into oblivion.

Step one is to grab my bat.

Sit in front of bed with pillow placed before me.

Grab bat with a fierce grip.

Grimace. Raise bat over head.

Wail down on the pillow yelling “FUCK!” “FUCK YOU!” (exclamation of your choice here..).

Often I don’t really know what the words are directed towards.

Keep going till you can’t.

Pause to feel the goodness.

Carry on into life with clean and electric blood.

Don’t underestimate the power of this.



4 Responses to “What Makes Me Come Alive?”

  1. Rita Kindl Myers on November 16th, 2014

    Somehow I can understand this as a healthy release of energy.

  2. Irene on November 17th, 2014

    When I felt blocked, tired or at loose ends, I used to read the Yellow Pages. I always found something funny, and felt 100% better after I laughed.

  3. Alexandra Eldridge on November 17th, 2014

    I love the physicality of this! Beat away, swear away, release! xx

  4. Jenny on November 18th, 2014

    Makes me think of the guys who are paraplegic or almost quadriplegic playing wheelchair basketball , that is so aggressive. And they love it , and feel so energised and alive.

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