Tiny Dancer

reframe security

Most of my life I have been trying to make a big splash; attention in my family, expertise in a yoga practice, marrying someone “good for me” (ie: monied businessman), over-giving when something simple would have been appropriate.

My torpid ego was straining for acknowledgement which equaled love in my hungry heart.

These days, I kindof squirm at a whiff of “specialness.”

I both want it and don’t.

If it comes the little girl in me twirls in her tutu and the adult pulls the covers over herself.

It is a conundrum.

I realize so much suffering leaves me if I truly put my attention in ONLY THIS MOMENT and leave the rest to someone/thing else.

I imagine doing a dance on a lily pad.

My dance is for my very own self and no one else.

In real life it looks like:

1. Can’t quite make it to the toilet in time?
choices: cry, laugh, be angry at body malfunction, be gentle with self, be interested in all the choices, pick a dance that makes me feel soft toward myself.

2. Pick up the phone to find an assault from an irate person?
choices: meet her in the madness, get defensive, let her say everything till she’s spent, hang up, breathe and re-enter with patience and compassion.

3. Hate myself for not getting everything done I need to?
choices: get depressed and go to bed, make someone else wrong, isolate, feel embarrassed I can not function like a ‘normal’ person, relax into rest, know the world out there likely isn’t giving one god damn about my little issues and will keep moving even when I can’t, love the luxury of silence and endless time to muse, smile at the fact I have time which everyone else seems to want and need.

I am a tiny dancer.

My life seems far more narrow but really- my landscape is HUGE!

I am gifted with the space to wonder, register, adjust.

This makes me very happy.

comments

4 Responses to “Tiny Dancer”

  1. # 8 on December 4th, 2014

    Ditto # 1
    Ditto # 2
    Ditto # 3

    Repeat daily ad nauseum
    Smile when flowers bloom! ????

  2. Alexandra Eldridge on December 5th, 2014

    When is this all becoming a book? The whole world should read your words. Brilliant and wise and full of love for yourself and others. xxxxxA

  3. KK on December 6th, 2014

    I’m so glad you share your dance with us, Cathy. Blessed be.

  4. laura Hegfield on December 10th, 2014

    It is a gift to acknowledge that there are always choices… it is too easy to forget that truth.

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