A Little Cry

impermanence

An earlyish morning physical therapy appointment had me girding my loins as I braved the snow and grey and cold.

I didn’t want to go especially.

Winter white means HIBERNATE in my book.

But I went.

Strapped into the recumbent bike with too much hardware to keep my hand grip strong and my leg braced to center

I caved at minute 7.

Soft little tears came unbidden.

This is hard. I hate this. This is hard. I hate this.

Before I could go into “I hate myself” I ended my ride and sat with my PT and confessed:

“Sometimes I just get tired and this is what it looks like. I do such a good job of keeping it together but there are times I just have to weep. Never really lasts for long. Thanks for just being here with me for a minute. It will pass.”

She was great. Just sat there and was WITH me without needing to fix it. She looked worried but mostly tender.

The little cry lasted maybe 4 minutes.

Then I got right back to work with so much more gusto.

At some point I said: “You know- I am really proud of myself for having become friendly with my shadow instead of ignoring Her and shoving it down into some prettier, more convenient place.”

Let it be. Let Her be.

comments

2 Responses to “A Little Cry”

  1. Rita Kindl Myers on January 23rd, 2015

    Powerful. Shoving the shadow down consumes too much energy. You have reminded me of this. This rings true for many of us at so many times in our life. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Barry on January 23rd, 2015

    Yes, I’ve often described my workouts as a combination of pitiful and pride.

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