Symptoms As Compass

doorgirl
“DOOR GIRL”, m/m, 1996
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My recent Urology appointment included a definition of the current state of my bladder:

“Interstitial Cystitis is caused by the degradation of the mucus membrane in our bladder which acts as insulation for waste leaving our body .”

I have been musing about the proclivity of my diagnoses of “loss of insulation” both of my nerves (MS shows up as little chunks of nerve insulation disappearing leaving raw, exposed and faulty conductivity)

And now my bladder is challenged by the absence of it’s natural protection.

Let’s see…. well- there seems to be a pattern of loss of protection here..

Hmm…..

I am no dummy and think anyone in their right mind can put two and two together and see that the message my body is trying to convey has something to do with PROTECTION or INSULATION.

Now, it is my task (if I want to heal which is always a choice) to figure out what these symptoms are pointing to.

One thing of interest is the fact my mother died of Bladder Cancer.

Do you think this is really a coincidence the two of us share this symptomology affecting this organ?

I think not.

As infants we are supposed to be soaking in the balm of the secure and dependable foundation a mother can provide.

But what happens when we are not privy to our due?

In my family history there have been a number of women; strong, isolated, depressed, very smart, powerful, angry, judgemental and alone for various reasons.

I do NOT want to carry on this legacy.

My sense is that I am being urged to address how I need to protect myself, insulate myself, care for my precious being in ways I am not aware of at present.

I think learning these new skills has more to do with recognizing myself as highly sensitive and trying out different ways of celebrating this and nurturing these tender parts of me in ways other than pulling out of the world like a monk.

I am a connective person and love Life so it is up to me to experiment with different methods and see what works.

The other option is to sort of collapse my life-force and make myself less available to day-to-day caustic living.

When I am able I choose the path of discovery with all the bumps in the road inherent in a walk into a dark wood with no apparent path set.

comments

2 Responses to “Symptoms As Compass”

  1. Barry on March 27th, 2015

    I like being available to day-to-day living, and am saddened by the influences of MS, aging, and whatever else has me less available. I also regret that I can’t better meet the expectations of others in regard to my availability.

  2. KK Wilder on April 8th, 2015

    Your gift with words is an incredible blessing to all of us. I am grateful for your willingness to not carry on the family legacy.

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