Territory

impermanence

Dogs are so insistent on marking territory. Lift a leg and be done with it.

Some men and women are like that too.

When I was married I mistakenly moved into my husband’s beloved self-designed home.

It was gorgeous with an expansive garden and borderlands of wildness.

We had a ceremony with friends to ease what everyone knew was a challenging transition for my independent self; saying yes to a co-mingled life.

After a few years I began to itch for a space I felt was my own in the house. It was clearly HIS house and I was hankering after a she-cave of sorts; just a tiny bit of real estate inside our beautiful home.

I asked him if he’d be ok if I put a chair in the gorgeous corner window of our large bedroom. The chair would face out into the treed wilderness and I’d sit and muse.

He said: “No. I just don’t want to walk into our bedroom and see the back of a chair.”

Now- you might be thinking what a controlling SOB but don’t forget that it was me ASKING..BEGGING really for this great and normal need of mine.

This is not the behavior of a secure and grounded woman.

Fast forward to today and I am a very different girl but as RAM DASS has infamously said: “In my entire life after all the work I have done on myself not a single neurosis has disappeared. Gotten smaller perhaps, but never disappeared altogether.”

The cultivation of personal sacred territory is still something I have attention on.

I enjoy connecting deeply with people so much that I tend to allow my boundaries to blur to the point where I must retreat fully and repair the gaping holes in the dike.

My intent is to remain porous in connection with others while retaining my hard earned sense of Self.

A recent practice has been to imagine my precious spirit wrapped in jewel-toned velvets, silks and tiny lights. Sort of swaddling myself in everything I love and that which comforts me.

This really helps me stay healthily contained and available as well as avoiding the full-on leaden wall syndrome which I can tend toward when I feel my energetic reserves dwindling toward empty..

comments

3 Responses to “Territory”

  1. Pam on May 18th, 2015

    I so appreciate reading this today, Cathy. Thank you.

  2. Barbara on May 19th, 2015

    Cathy,
    I do not always reply to your interesting writings, but I always read them and often they give me much to think about…brings up so many memories.

    I find I am very much the same about needing my own space. I enjoy being around people but than comes a point where I know I have had enough and need time on my own to recuperate.
    People watching I love…airports, trains, watching people while sitting outdoors at a cafe.

  3. KK Wilder on May 21st, 2015

    Now that my main job will be learning how to come back to myself, I’m also insisting I can exist without anyone’s permission. Your words help.

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