Rise or Be With

detail of ceramic urn, 1985, 20″d x 14″h


I have pain.

This is new to me.

My coccyx pulses with nervy pins and needle sensations pretty much all day now.

The onset was fast.

Part MS nerve damage and part take-away from sitting in the chair.

MS is just the endless row of doors down the hallway of some friggin’ graduate school I’d rather have skirted entirely

But NOOOOOOO….. I deal w/ one classroom like managing fatigue, exit, then the next doorway sucks me in.

I am very good at rising above stuff.

Not through denial necessarily but by registering the thing and then choosing my attitude which, by now I know is all I can affect anyway.

But these new announcements my body is sending are un-rise-abovable.

So then.. I experiment with just being with it.

(the person who came up with putting “just” in front of “be” feels sort of slappable to me today)

‘Being’ asks for room and lots of it;

Space seems to be my new pain medication.

New facial contortions provoke wrinkles just biding their time for a ticket to my face.

Does grimacing help with the pain?

What happens if I soften instead of stiffen?

Is comfort and ease the holy grail?

How much juju do I use armoring myself against what is?

These are all new questions.

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

If I had not become an artist my choice would have been Biology.

Everything we do must be done THROUGH the body so now I am afforded the acute attention to my corporeality fired by Spirit..

I will wear my blue velvet alchemist cloak and see what transpires in this fire.


6 Responses to “Rise or Be With”

  1. Adele on September 19th, 2015

    You are the bravest warrior I know
    Could the sacrum be waking up ?

  2. Jina Vick on September 19th, 2015

    Brava! You lead the way for us.

  3. Carole Zoom on September 19th, 2015

    Beautiful images. I’m so glad you write

  4. Paul on September 19th, 2015

    Dear Cathy I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I want to see you again soon and see you happy and pain-free. There is no shame in taking pharmaceuticals, just make them give you the good stuff. Let me know what I can do for you. Hugs.

  5. Alexandra Eldridge on September 21st, 2015

    I am so sorry for the pain. I know how bad I am with pain and my tolerance level for it is very low. I so appreciate your questions around this new development. Sending love and admiration, A.xxxx

  6. Hollis Walker on September 24th, 2015

    HI, my dear Cathy, Oh how I hate to hear this, and yet yearn to know the answers you find. I have never had the kind of physical pain you describe, but know for myself that the only thing that helps me is to just. . . keep. . . breathing. It doesn’t necessarily help the pain but it keeps me in the present moment and aware that, thankfully, I am still breathing. Sometimes that’s all I am doing. Just breathing. Sending lots of love and divine sparks in your direction!

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