Giving Up On Acuracy

adobe
detail of painting
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Illness, especially over time, allows me to put most of my shopping bags down.

More interested in emptying out than adding reverses more than I bargained for.

Less ruled by the impetus toward graciousness and the necessity or even the energy for correctness

Is a brand new modus operandi for Cath.

Unreliability, embarrassing and inadvertent omissions and costly non-action are my present reality.

Sometimes I feel truly insane, so far am I from the more civilized Cathy of yore.

I beg to be released from my lifelong shame-based existence,

Vestiges of which act as constant road blocks to the Peace I pray for.

Ego annihilation is a costly affair.

I love grace, accuracy, correctness, civilized and well mannered existence.

These are all elements of Beauty I cherish.

Taking a machete to false identities leaves me raw and weary.

But really…to my soul it feels akin to re-virginization.

You think I’m kidding…

These days my connectivity account gets overdrawn daily. I feel apologetic yet I haven’t the energy for even that. Such a different me.

Such costs..such rewards.

My big challenges have always been to come down to Earth and make Real in my physical being the wanderings in the ethers which have served me so well in my art career and spiritual life.

I thrill in the vivification of the stasis my body seems stuck in when I make a transformative discovery!

Mastering the balance of light and shadow is my way now which is little different that the 30 years of making art.

Make a mark. Erase or paint over. Try another one. Yep- that feels right. Move forward.

I don’t always have what it takes to change out of my paint-spattered clothes to present myself well to incoming guests.

I find I must allow myself to give up some graciousness in order to make room for Grace.

Accuracy has to be bumped down the list of virtues

In the quest for authenticity.

I pray those I love and value highly will grant me the decidedly challenging gift of not taking my inadvertent ungraciousness too personally.

comments

7 Responses to “Giving Up On Acuracy”

  1. Adele on October 3rd, 2015

    Cathy, You are not alone in this transformation and I say Hallelujah

  2. Alexandra Eldridge on October 3rd, 2015

    Just exquisitely voiced. You speak for us all. Magnificent! xx

  3. Jenny on October 3rd, 2015

    It is as though the very virtues or talents we found solace or pride or comfort or security in are taken away and we can’t regain them ( sometimes ambivalent about this) so that we find less and less between us and who we long for or the peace or place we long for. It is a wonderful costly painful thing. It so helps to not feel alone on the road too. Thank you xxxx

  4. gerry harty on October 3rd, 2015

    Bravo Cathy and thank you!!! xoxo

  5. Barry on October 4th, 2015

    I once was in a training led by a Navy Seal. He always wore a stern face, but said “this is what happy looks like on me.” So as I sit here day after day in a robe as contractors work on my kitchen remodel, I say “this is what life looks like on me.”

  6. Jim on October 7th, 2015

    Beautiful, Cathy!

  7. laura Hegfield on October 12th, 2015

    you are gracious in all the life wisdom you share Cathy, gracious and generous.

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