I Have Nothing To Do

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“SLIGHT WIND”,3×6′,m/m
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I have nothing to do but pay attention.

This morning was hard.

Faulty physical performance gave way to tears of frustration.

I showered and went back to bed for a bit to see if the caustic vibe might shift.

Emma was sort of scared of me and lay out of arms reach.

Hell..I was scared of me.

I took a chance and Googled myself the other day only to find some obscure conversational thread about me.

Two women were hashing it out over whether I was super self-absorbed or an inspiration.

You put stuff out there risking any and all opinions.

I thought it was sort of funny, actually.

I feel much freedom in my opinion of myself which is quite good but getting here was epic, I tell you.

Dressed and ready to roll with Em a couple hours later found me re-calibrated closer to calm

And we tooled downtown.

My nervous system is so magnetic; attracting personal, cultural and environmental particulate

Which predisposes me to fatigue on many levels.

All I had energy or desire for today was to just move slowly and pay attention.

Awareness seems small judged next to almost any “doing”.

For me these days it is enough.

It almost feels like everything

But I’ll have to exercise my awareness muscles

And get back to you on that.

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6 Responses to “I Have Nothing To Do”

  1. Jenny on February 20th, 2016

    I have once or twice googled my name and being Jenny S______ came up with a fabulous athletic long distance runner from the USA , then a hard core porn star , really really hard core! and then I looked no further. I knew I could refine my search but decided to stop. Then I did wonder about looking at the hot/cold doctor file held at the women’s collective to see if anyone had written anything. But actually I know my nerves weren’t up to knowing what other people thought- actually they would crack and shrivel and even if all cool, I knew I would just think they haven’t seen my mistakes!!! You are gorgeous -live it as inner, big, deep , hatted , scarfed as you like too

  2. Paul on February 20th, 2016

    Good god, if I worried about what everyone thought of me i would crawl into a cardboard box and never come out except to eat and poop
    With so much stimulation out there is is easy to lose touch with one’s own inner calm.
    Cathy, you are a hero to me because you are determined to live and thrive and express yourself freely and openly while gracefully enduring the curse of your disease.
    The only ones with the right to criticize you are those who are suffering a similar fate. But no one with a shred of humanity would do so.
    The world is full of assholes. Don’t let them get to you. You’ve got enough to deal witht already.

  3. Alexis on February 20th, 2016

    I thought I saw you downtown today! Saw the flag but thought it was too late in the day for you to be at the plaza. Darn! I should have followed you. xoxo

  4. Ed Keller on February 20th, 2016

    Howdy, I often feel this way, & especially related to re-calibration to all the way to closer to calm… It reminded me of Indigo Girls song “closer to fine” an anthem on some days. It feels like I live certain lyrics… By the way I vote for most of the writings I’ve seen from you are definitely way on the inspirational side and most times those saying self absorbed are speaking more of their narcissistic selves… Keep up and say your truth moment to moment. Don’t burden yourself with TRUTH!

  5. gerry harty on February 21st, 2016

    Paul said it best so I say ditto! Also I’d love to meet with those 2 women and set them straight…but karma will take care of that! You go girlfriend!…xoxo

  6. Bryan Adams on February 22nd, 2016

    Hey, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I have mine–––F . . .’um! For me, you are an inspiration, and a gift. Thanks.

    Peace and Love…

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