Paying Proper Attention

Aten_scan53
detail of painting
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Sometimes I think paying attention is all I have left to give.

It seems that attention is the currency my life in a wheelchair runs on.

If I don’t ‘pay’ it- stuff breaks…

Like my breakfast bowl or Emma’s leash getting tangled in the chair wheel or my energy reserve goes beyond empty and everyone suffers.

If I’m not careful I can go down and stay down having misjudged the distance to my bed or chair.

Emma tells me with just her eyes if she needs a walk or hug or to be left alone.

My eyes are just as fluent in conveyance of messages.

Rare people have been able to read me this way.

This skill is uncommon because it demands we get fully outside ourselves and tune ALL our antennae elsewhere.

Most of my life, were I honest, I found myself way more interesting than anyone else.

But now that I’m 60 and my once fine moccasins are a bit tattered

You there..and you and that and you too and that thing over there have become the subjects I pull my virtual portable microscope up to

And LOOK. Really look.

Chronic illness and age have many luxuries built in to them that no one seems to talk about.

I have all the time I need to send my attention in any direction I choose and I am learning that if I don’t like where I landed just a blink and shift in perspective to pay attention elsewhere changes everything.

Most of us are paid money to keep our attention focussed for long periods of time.

Sometimes I yearn for the familiar comfort and stresses of my old life.

The blessings of space and time are not to be underestimated.

Yesterday I smelled rain so deeply it almost hurt and I saw the particular brightness in my housekeepers eyes and I reveled in my body’s sense of safety, ease and radiance the morning after a sublime evening with friends.

I have time .

It actually feels like living in a state of communion.

Every day I eat the wafer and drink the wine and Emma and I roll on down the road….

comments

4 Responses to “Paying Proper Attention”

  1. Debra Moody on April 17th, 2016

    You radiate beauty from the inside out, dear friend. Thanks for sharing your innards.

  2. Adele on April 17th, 2016

    The way I see you is that you are living fully within yourself
    And we are all lucky such beauty is looking at us
    xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  3. Rita Kindl Myers on April 17th, 2016

    This is beautifully written and I love this description of a way of living and appreciating life that I feel deeply. I’ve lived with MS for 20 years now and find myself having similar thoughts. Thanks for putting them into words so clearly.

  4. Jann Tenenbaum on April 27th, 2016

    …Most of my life, were I honest, I found myself way more interesting than anyone else….
    You’re smiling now, right?
    Do I know you?
    You bettcha.
    Love ya, darling. Keep on rollin”

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