Dismantling Stoicism

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I know stoicism well.

My friends each try their best to get me to reveal my rawest states of being

Because they love me and want to know how to perhaps ease my challenges.

My stoicism is learned from early on.

A wee child is very keen on a mother’s reticence to soothe…

Choosing instead to ignore their needs.

My initial displays of vulnerability were met with a confusing, crushing void.

So I tried another tack: tuck my vulnerabilities away and act strong, independent, uber-capable.

This strategy saved my life from death by despair.

Sometimes, I find myself angry and feeling as if my wheelchair is my own personal tank;

“Get outta my fucking way! I have no patience and my needs are too great for me to bear!”

(Reaction clearly amplified by old tapes yet authentic too..).

In oddly lucid moments I see myself as having created a reality in which I am frozen in body yet still powerfully mobile in my chair; my own personal metal fortress keeping people at arms length.

My vulnerabilities feel hidden if I can put myself together well.

“I’m here. Participating. Connecting.”

I am stoic.

Not even close to what I used to be growing up but still…

This blog helps me find my raw center of authenticity.

So do my close friends and sometimes family.

My exceptional therapist continues to be smarter than me and reflect my strengths and poke at my tender spots. All with love.

Emma lying on my lap warming my belly allows me to release armor I hold there to access sweet tears sometimes.

Each time I ask for help erases some stinky stoicism.

Each day I rise and choose to enter life again with new resolve to bear my truth, forgive myself and choose again.

I am all this: stoic, guarded, grateful, courageous, alone, connected, angry, compassionate, impatient, loving, sacred, profane, healthy, sick, in a wheelchair and a ballroom dancer in my mind, insane and elevated.

I am.

I am.

I am.

comments

3 Responses to “Dismantling Stoicism”

  1. Debra Moody on November 5th, 2016

    You are the most authentic person I know. <3

  2. Barbara Leonard on November 6th, 2016

    As always – truly “a ten”.

  3. Dominique Mazeaud on November 7th, 2016

    What can I say? You move me to tears.
    Tears of compassion for what you are going through.
    Tears of joy for someone who is able to articulate her situation with such depth, a grea great gift indeed.

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