Investment

detail of painting

___________

.

Fairly soon following my diagnosis of MS a very good friend divorced me.

She said my burgeoning needs were “..pulling on her” (this after I asked if she might go to the hardware store for me).

The break-up email said she still wanted all my fun stories we shared but not the other “stuff”.

I really was devastated by this and responded that I felt she was way more invested in my health situation than I was.

She agreed.

Our friendship was irreparable.

Sometimes we don’t even realize what we are invested in.

We are invested in where we put our attention most.

I used to be heavily invested in a poor sense of self esteem.

Deeply confusing anger and disappointment were my bedfellows.

I was too fucked up to know how to love and care for animals or even be with young children then.  They always knew.

My art career, freedom, being nice, attractive, connected to Spirit,  fairly ‘normal’, safe(having a back door at all times), avoiding conflict are some places I put an inordinate amount  of energy in the past.

I now give energy quite differently.

My attention goes toward Emma, creativity, fostering peace, keeping my body running best I can, curiosity about human nature, space, stellar friends, remaining authentic, gratitude and remaining in the present.

We are invested in where we put our attention most.

When I remember how many years I have put into knowing my own neuroses well enough to have the power to let them be more in the back round (never do they go away altogether) and not the drivers of my life

I heave a weary sigh.

I have put so damn much of myself in the bank account called “get healthy”.

But I did.

And I am.

Truly a life’s achievement.

A very fine investment.

Investing in worry over my state of being;  things I can’t do anymore, all the ways my life has changed in soul-searing ways is not a good investment.

What’t the return on that?

Black moods and being a magnet for dark energies of  all sorts.

Emma is snoring here on my lap.

I put my attention further on her and feel her warmth on my thigh, the mini tail wag of  a dream, her trust in me to choose my company to digest her dinner, her sleek white softness. 

Feeling my attention she wakes to lift her head and check to see if I am still here.

Some dividend.

comments

6 Responses to “Investment”

  1. Paul on March 31st, 2017

    Sweet and beautiful!

  2. Joe on March 31st, 2017

    It angers me when I am not there to “protect” my friends from whatever harm I might see. Physical harm is easily done – psychological much harder.

    I have also had “friends” who let me down in my hour of need but what I took away was to constantly evaluate MY commitment to others.

    What it really boils down to is that, in reality, we only have a few friends. We have many acquaintances who we allow higher status depending on a variety of factors but it takes a lot to get into the inner circle.

    Hopefully, even tho many miles separate us, I am in your inner circle.

    Forever,
    JOE

    P.S.
    Always trust children & animals in evaluating the true character of an adult. They can bullshit us but not them. They use eyes of innocence to see thru to the real person.

  3. Judith Henry on March 31st, 2017

    “My attention goes toward Emma, creativity, fostering peace, keeping my body running best I can, curiosity about human nature, space, stellar friends, remaining authentic, gratitude and remaining in the present.”

    I can’t think of a richer way to live a life. Thanks so much for this beautiful reminder, Cathy.

  4. Dennis Chamberlain on March 31st, 2017

    A multi-dimensional masterpiece of honest self-analysis that helps us all understand ourselves better. You continue to amaze me.

  5. gerry harty on April 1st, 2017

    Thank you again Cathy for your amazing insight…and I wouldn’t mind having a friend like Joe!!!xoxo

  6. Jann on April 10th, 2017

    Up down all around and back to love.
    Your writing is amazing, it always leaves me Full.
    Love you my sweet sweet friend

Leave a Reply