The Wave

I dropped my head this morning with a sigh

As I read that TIME MAGAZINE has voted the women

Who have bravely thrown open the shutters

And told their truth regarding past sexual abuse; THE SILENCE BREAKERS people of the year.

Is it any wonder 90% of autoimmune disorders (MS, Chrone’s,RA, ALS) are experienced by women?

Autoimmunity is the action of the body attacking its’ self.

What do we all imagine happens inside us as we continually shrink to fit

As I have done most of my life.

My storyline began at birth changing myself around to wrangle some love from a depressed mother.

From there I went on to do things like stay silent while Les McCANN, a jazz musician of note, fondled my crotch in a pressing crowd while I asked him for an autograph for my boyfriend.

It was an expensive gift.

I stayed silent.

My boyfriend was overjoyed.

In my 30’s I was raped in Boston.

A young black man stole into my apartment.

My eternal hero, Detective Joe Lally, pieced together obscure clues and caught the guy.

As I testified in court I understood my voice was very important; I would make it through this horrifying experience-keep it together..speak through my walking-deadness

Because I knew that my voice that day represented all the legions of women who could not, would not speak.

The rapist was sentenced to 27 years in prison and died there a few years ago.

My hero, Joe, called to tell me of his death.

The backround fear I carried in the bottom of my stomach left.

I remember years ago when the wave of feminism was gaining and bras were burned in a potent but fairly messy swing of the pendulum.

Change happens this way.

A critical mass is reached.

The pendulum swings waaaaayyy over to one side and then, in time, we integrate that very change achieving balance.

Courage is contagious.

I am going to let this sacred wave of change wash away all the self-judgement, shame, silence, containment, stasis and the lost and weary undernourished dragon in me I left out in the cold so long ago.

I think I shall invite her in and tell her I am sorry for shutting her up so many times that her fire almost disappeared.

I will listen. Wipe her tears and polish her scales that I never let her use to protect me.

I will tell her it was too dangerous to allow her presence to be known.

We can share some tequila, maybe.

She will be my teacher.

My blood has cooled to a dangerous degree and I will let her gently warm me with her fire.

comments

5 Responses to “The Wave”

  1. CaroleZoom on December 6th, 2017

    Your writing is powerful as are you

  2. Catherine on December 6th, 2017

    Exceptional piece of writing – filled with guts and courage and always that underlying warmth and love. You inspire me to go out and love the world more deeply……thank you Cathy

  3. Rita Kindl Myers on December 7th, 2017

    Thanks for this post. This is powerful stuff and will sit with me for quite a while. Thanks for expressing the inexpressible; too many women have been stifled for too long.

  4. Jenny on December 7th, 2017

    Dear Cathy you have walked some dark roads and been places no one should have to be , and there are so many women , children, and vulnerable men who have been there too. It is unspeakable violence and dehumanising cruelty. There will be pushback , it will not be easy for so many who felt speaking it out would clear it, may they be safe , but it is another step , an amazing step for us all to come home. Xxx

  5. Cathy on December 8th, 2017

    Oh Jenny…such glorious words for us all. And through the dark we all go..holding hands into the promise of lighter days and nights.. love you xxxx

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