Change

Emma and me at The Georgia O’Keeffe Museum

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Mike Tyson, the fighter said: “Everyone has a plan ’till they get punched in the mouth.”

I think one of the gifts I have to offer is my willingness to share with you all some of the welcome surprises and utter shit that can happen as we age or challenged by illness and are confronted with loss of our carefully crafted and beloved identities.

I can think about change all I want; make lists of intentions, affirmations, to-do’s and desires

But the important personal life “re-boots” never happen

Until we get excruciatingly bored, over-the-top sick of ourselves

Or we are forced to shift in some way.

Comfort and familiarity usually win out over consciousness

Because change is messy, inconvenient, humbling, embarrassing and fucking hard work.

The good fortune of getting flattened by disability like me

Is the option of choosing to entertain change was not even on the table.

I had to/have to…

And, inside moulding my new identities

I think about things you may not.

As an example- I think about Death more than most people because I feel my mortality deeply and want to grab juicy Life while I can..

Not like I want to check out but more to let Death inform my Life, ride on my shoulder; help me make choices that add up to the treasure that is me.

The thing is- living at depth (I call it) can challenge people.

The last post I wrote (topics like Death,suicide,too sensitive for the world..) brought a slew of PLEASE UNSUBSCRIBE ME‘s to my inbox.

I don’t want to be off-putting or lose readership so I deleted the offending post.

I now have the all-too-familiar sensation in my essence of shrinking my soul to fit…

Clearly not healing!

So- I am inside some of the messy parts of evolving my Self to Whole.

As Mike Tyson was saying in the quote above- not a one of us can ever know how we will react in the aftermath of the punch.

My writings here are part of my way.

I am working on not apologizing for taking up space in the ways I do.

comments

9 Responses to “Change”

  1. ellen fox on July 24th, 2018

    What post was that? Never shrink to fit. It shrinks your soul. When I was 19 my Rabbi said “never show a man how smart you are.” I didn’t listen and paid the price. If people can’t handle death or suicide, f…..em. Keep doing what you are doing.

    I haven’t had the courage yet to “feel my mortality deeply,” so keep writing about that. Keep radiating light.

  2. Kelly Ray on July 24th, 2018

    I would love to have read the post you took down.
    As one who lives with bipolar depression (18 years now), I have found the beauty in vulnerable and darker nights of the soul.
    You have incredible insight.
    Be blessed.

  3. Alexandra eldridge on July 24th, 2018

    You occupy space in the most exquisite way! Thank you for doing that!

  4. Alexandra eldridge on July 24th, 2018

    You occupy space in the most exquisite way! Thank you for doing that!

  5. Jane on July 24th, 2018

    “Shrinking my soul to fit” … I suspect those who wanted to unsubscribe may well have most needed to reflect on what you wrote. I, like Kelly, would love to have read it.

  6. Johan on July 25th, 2018

    I too wanted to read that piece. Having SPMS I sit on my butt at home a lot. And can relate to this post. Am still searching …

    JE

  7. CaroleZoom on July 26th, 2018

    We live a life many couldn’t handle so it’s no surprise they can’t even read about it. Carry on. Educate and provoke. Z

  8. Becky Patterson on July 26th, 2018

    Shrinking your soul to fit. Those words grabbed me. You live a juicy life. So big inside. You are brave and beautifully eloquent. Humbles little Ol me. Your photo is elegantly lonely pensive. Black and white. Your view of the world looking through To a hazy outside world that when you go out you sharpen your observations and wit more than anyone could You are a BIG EXPANDING soul that I admire greatly. Your many gifts. Words, art, telling us what it’s like, will help all of us and be here longer than we will. love love love Becky

  9. Jann Tenenbaum on August 16th, 2018

    “The good fortune of getting flattened by disability like me”……every post, there is always one line (many) that just gets me. I can’t believe your resilience, tolerance and stubborn commitment. We all hope we can grow spiritually but can always find diversion in an another cup of coffee (my interpenetration of life, here).
    We are not all the same, I’m friendly, you are a saint.
    Love you very much.

    I don’t know if you remember but you once gave me a t-shirt that said….For once, I though I had attained true happiness….then I realized it was the coffee.

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