What Do We Do In The Dark?



This winter has been challenging for me.

Bitter cold, schizophrenic wind screaming in the eaves

And way, wayyyyyyyy too many mornings

Waking to cool grey watercolor skies.


My wheelchairs deep tread tires itch

For action

And I spray Chanel #5 on my curly lamb neck warmer

And wear it around the house

Like a weird prayer

For the permission

To outdoors myself.

This week warmth has snuck back in.

And good friends and family are coming to visit!

I begin happy-ing up.

Emma gets ditties sung to her

Whether she wants them or not.

During the long dark

I thought of the longest dark.

Not seriously;

More in a curious way.

I prayed in my bed

Curled fetal

Around a heating pad

I love

More than is reasonable.

I prayed for my athletic and shredded

Nervous system

To fucking give me some peace.

Emma and I make the micro-adjustments

As we lay there-

Needing the primal reinforcement

Of constant contact.

I let myself love crime TV

And try to meditate in the mornings

But I am water-logged in stillness

So inviting more seems the act of a mad person.

One day I screamed into a pillow

Out of vocal atrophy

But Emma got a look on her face

No one should ever see.

In the dark of this winter

My hibernation was

Not a peaceful one.

My friends will arrive soon

And help me reclaim

Undernourished life lines

Connecting me to

The taut and gracious

Brain and body

I let go to seed.

My underground self

Will keep stretching

Toward their warmth and humor

And my complexion will pink.

My own long migration

From the dark to the light

Depends more and more

On Communion

Of any kind


In essence,

Means not alone.


4 Responses to “What Do We Do In The Dark?”

  1. Jenny on March 1st, 2019

    I am glad Spring is starting for you, the gray days lightening , and friends and family and their warmth and energy. Soak it up, into every bit of your sweet self-Em will too. Xx

  2. Barbara Sida on March 2nd, 2019

    Cathy I met you several years a go while visiting Santa Fe. You were riding along with your little dog and I noticed your wonderful vibrate face.
    We exchanged some words while I stroked your little dog. I read all your writings and think they should be made into a book…they are incredible, I am surprised nobody had thought about having them published.

    I have at times replied to you, but as you know sometimes we read and think I will get back to that but life just moves on with this and that…
    My husband is from New Mexico and we now live in England. We have not been back to the states in a couple of years due to his illness as he has Parkinson’s and the last year has not been good for him.
    We are hoping to come over sometime this year and would love to meet up with you over a cup of coffee.
    Barbara x

  3. Adele Rosen on March 2nd, 2019

    I feel so honored to be your friend
    Muchas Gracious

  4. Irene on March 2nd, 2019

    Gray skies here in AZ too…as well as a foot of snow last week (never imagined this when I left NY). Depressing.

    The purple fountain grass is shedding its dried leaves, getting ready to regenerate soon; the ornamental plum has started to show its pink buds, and the daffodils are beginning to push up. Spring and a fresh spirit are just around the corner. Love from Sedona…


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