Nurturance

“TREE OF LIFE”, 28x16x4,ceramic

.

My lifetime as an artist dedicated to the authentic expression of creativity

Has had gargantuan costs along with the rewards.

Space and silence, unstructured time and seemingly foolish meanderings

Make up the ocean I swim in.

This way of living has pretty much made me unfit to participate in marriage or raising a family.

Freedom as my top value doesn’t really mix well with motherhood or intimate partnership it turns out.

I am blessed to have made the choices I have made and adore the waters I swim in

Yet, when my family visited last week I noticed a few things:

1. I HAVE BEEN WITHOUT HOME COOKING TOO DAMN LONG-
My brother brought his infra-red grill and cooked us all steak! We had baked potato,salad and wine. We ate off our laps and no one minded. My kitchen was left tidied up. We laughed and talked. I belonged to “the clean plate club”. Every part of me felt tended to.

2. ALLOWING FAMILY TO WITNESS MY DAILY CHALLENGES WAS IMPORTANT-
I need help with so much- cutting up food, making my bed with particular needs, needing to leave a get-together because my energy crashed, walking Emma, cooking, transferring, getting coats on… This is all stuff that usually happens in the shadows or with my care-giver..then I just “show up” looking well and all the struggling to participate in life is forgotten. This time my family “saw” stuff. It was intimate. And very good. It made my heart swell.

3. MY BROTHER along with others FIXED THINGS!-
I will venture to say single women pretty much worship people who can fix stuff. We live with the broken-ness of small and big things too long and get used to the brokenness which is never good. I could build a church around my appreciation of this kind of skill.

4. I REALLY MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GOOD MOTHER-
I absolutely made the right choice for me- that of understanding I needed this lifetime to be about my art career and the reality having little humans to care for would have stirred up resentment at the reality of lending a blind eye my own needs. Plus,the role-modeling I got was not the best which scared me. I saw and felt, during this visit, that had I wanted to I could have been a good mother. Don’t really know how I know that but I do.

5. THE HUGE EFFORTS INVOLVED IN TRAVELING ARE A MAJOR LOVE PRESENT-
Energy exertion toward another when it is fueled by Love is a prayer in Itself. Could be flying or driving across the country, filling up a water glass, paying for a meal, listening intently to what is said without judgement, walking a dog or putting a new roll of TP on correctly :-).

Amen.

comments

3 Responses to “Nurturance”

  1. Jenny on April 8th, 2019

    Lovely, Cathy, I can feel , really tangibly the warmth and love you shared.
    I can see it! Taste it!
    PS I like the cutting food, toilet roll correctness , yes!

  2. Adele Rosen on April 8th, 2019

    You have filled my heart with joy

  3. Barbara McDaniel on April 10th, 2019

    What a powerful piece “Tree of Life” is! I love how fierce and – ha – almost threatening it is! What follows about the life of an artist is profound. While it seems to naturally set one up for HAVING a wife, it’s not necessarily helpful toward BEING one. I’m glad you had steak, and my heart swells that you allowed your family to really see how the days really are for you. What a gift for all.

Leave a Reply