Mother

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Every year on Mother’s Day I like to check in on myself regarding how much further I have moved on the “forgiveness” track in reference to my own mother.

I feel pretty darn good this year; thoughts of her are more likely to elicit pity edging in to compassion rather than involuntary abdomen contraction.

When my brother came to visit not long ago he brought a photograph of her looking really happy and fluid in her body..relaxed and open.

It was revelatory for us to share that image.

Along my seemingly endless road to emotional healing and freedom I have spent a fair amount of time going to ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICs meetings (part of the ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS healing work; those affected by living with an alcoholic but not being one).

This really helped me not feel crazy as most sitting in the room were broken in more places than me it seemed.

There came a time when I chose to stand up and tell my own story. It is vital to be witnessed without opinions or advice flying around uninvited.

The theme I organized my talk around was “RE-PARENTING OURSELVES”.

Now- I know I am not too boring a speaker but I was truly floored by the constant rise and exit of 2/3 of the folks in the room listening to my 15-20 minute offering of some pretty darn vulnerable parts of my life. I was dumbfounded, hurt, confused.

It took me almost a year to understand why those people left.

Having a STORY to live within which includes drama, trauma, the coalescing, super-glue magnet of shared wounding is a club that any one of us can belong to if we choose. Always..within 20 feet or so, one is guaranteed to find someone eager to share their membership to the “woe-is-me” club.

In that room years ago there were only a few souls intent on doing the hard work of healing; hoping to turn in the tattered trauma club membership card someday.

I did not have an adept mother in the nurturing department. So- I have had to learn how to re-parent myself.

I do this by:

1. Keeping my soul tuned to beauty.
2. Taking myself out to eat and reveling in being served a lovely meal and treated like a queen.
3. Trying never to miss an opportunity to reflect someones wonderfulness, beauty, originality,courage,kindness,fineness-of-being back to them so they can really register it.
4. Live authentically..unmasked..appreciating my own and others vulnerability and courage.
5. Praying for help.
6. Understanding deep in my bones my own core of goodness and celebrating it as well as those in my sphere.
7. Really remembering pretty much no one knows what the fuck they are doing most of the time.
8. Remember just existing is enough. I don’t have to DO anything to prove I deserve to take up space on the planet.
9. Smile in recognition of another’s humanity and feel the swell of largess from that tiny act.
10. Emma allows me the privilege of experiencing unconditional love and the opportunity to return it. We are an endless “figure eight” of true love.
11. Who I am is earned…not a given.

Happy Mother’s Day dearest Cathy..I love you.

comments

5 Responses to “Mother”

  1. Irene on May 12th, 2019

    Parenting oneself is hard work; been doing it since childhood. Thank you for the reminder to celebrate myself…love #7.

  2. Jann Tenenbaum on May 13th, 2019

    You are relentlessly brave.
    I met your mother and formed an opinion within 30 seconds. I also formed an opinion of you within 30 seconds . No, 10 seconds. Pure love, immediately. You and your mother were polar opposites. You have a core of goodness and love in you and it shines out your eyes. And your smile. I adore you, love you.
    Happy Mother’s Day dearest Cathy,

  3. Cathy on May 13th, 2019

    Dearest you…thank you endlessly for seeing me as you do..cherishing me like no other, giving the best presents always, allowing my precious and weary self one of a very few safe places on the planet. You, my wise friend are one of my greatest life achievements; that of recognizing the treasure and keeping you near. Happy Mothers Day right back atcha…xxx

  4. Alexandra Eldridge on May 13th, 2019

    Forever inspiring me, teaching me, allowing vulnerability! Happy Reparenting Day!! Love, Alexandra

  5. Cathy on May 13th, 2019

    such a lovely note..thank you xx

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