Cut and Run

detail , hand, painted wool flannel

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Our very natural push toward survival at any cost serves us well in most cases. The fittest of us are the ones who move forward adding to the evolutionary theater as best we can. It seems unthinkable to have our trajectory beset by disease and yet here I am.

“Cath? This is God.”

“Took you long enough.”

“Well..timing is crucial on these things and I don’t mind saying you are a stubborn customer needing a bit more finessing. My feeling was at the outset that you might just benefit from a real slew of hard core challenges to shake the sleep from your eyes and get you up here faster. Let’s see…how about MS-the really hard kind? A few decades of that and humility will be yours. Pretty great take-away gift, right? I pride myself on the creative life-lesson-learning scenarios I come up with! Maybe you could choose a really controlling partner to marry and see how you do with that? Maybe rape could be part of your way and just because I believe so deeply that you can do it I’ll throw in a bitter and depressed mother who’d prefer you weren’t here and go through life figuring out how to get that love you missed.

You have the chance to deal with each of these challenges in any way you choose because of free will. It is a hard life but you can make it a very rich one as you surely have chosen to do. You can get as mad as you want at me as often as you like but I will promise you that you will feel grateful for every speck of your life and thank me in the end.”


Following the diagnosis of MS in 2000 I put most of my available energy and money into making it go away. These days I understand this is happening and it is my spiritual path for me to work with it the best ways I possibly can. Can we honor illness by recognizing the facts of it as opposed to turning away down an endless road of cure-hoping?

I deleted the last post I wrote after promising I’d keep this blog true. I betrayed myself.

I think I can just cut and run sometimes. It has been a familiar modus operandi for me.

MS is my vehicle for finding my “true.” It’s here. Might as well use the damn thing for good.

Here’s the text to the deleted post(I thought this too depressing):

It has been two months since my last post.
I want to apologize but I just can’t bear to hear one more “I’m sorry” pass through my lips.
I lost my wonderful caregiver after 7 years.
The 2 temps Medicaid sent hated dogs and tried to scam me out of money.
My family has my back as they blessedly do in my times of need and made it possible for me to hire a good friend, wonderfully smart, capable and tolerant to allow me the space to de-stress enough and begin the process of finding a permanent person.
I fell twice using the new wheelchair I ordered and now am in the process of returning this one and getting what I need.
The string of UTI’s keep on comin’.
Climate change has rendered Santa Fe virtually sun-less this summer.
My creativity is hanging out somewhere in a dustbunny-ed corner inebriated to assuage the seemingly hopeless wait for my call to attention.
Picture this: night has fallen. I sit here at the computer looking fully dressed waiting for the rain to end in order to give my beloved Emma a chance at relief on an evening walk.
I watch the “Minutecast” part of the local online weather predictor for a 15 minute break in the rain. I’v got my hat on, Emma in her leash, poop bag in place, everything looks good.
We wait.
But if it was daylight I would never chance this outfit: skirt half-way pulled up my thigh because I hadn’t the energy to move beyond my pain and get it all the way up. My thigh flesh is pretty much covered up by a black cashmere blanket. I have one shoe on because the other eluded me and who the fuck cares in the night anyway.
The sky has stopped wetting itself. Out we go; red flashing safety lights high up enough not to illuminate my cellulite inadvertently pouring through the rungs of my chair.
I think Emma still likes me enough after our long wait as I just saw a micro tail wag.
This is my life.
And I am not sorry.
Sigh.

comments

4 Responses to “Cut and Run”

  1. Jenny on August 15th, 2019

    Dear Cathy I ached with the deleted post and oh so loved your family and friend and Em for wrapping around you in different ways. Esp the micro tail wag.
    It didn’t feel inauthentic. Not at all.
    PS update on your “8 titbits for the road.” These appeared AGAIN in the July MS Welington newsletter. Because I’d been chatting to Shona the lovely editor , and asked what hers might be. I love them , esp let people be heroes, live with a dog(I don’t) , fall often enough to look for the gold and bring it back. You do.
    And our job is to exist , anything else is extra!
    Xxxx

  2. Cathy on August 16th, 2019

    I love you my friend and these words. xxxxx

  3. Cathy on August 16th, 2019

    c

  4. Christina on September 3rd, 2019

    Cathy
    Thank you so much for posting what you had deleted before. Without this I wouldn’t have really known what you have been going through, and now I do, at least as much as I am capable of imagining and feeling into. You are extraordinary. We love you.
    Christina

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