And Still….

“FINE LINE”, 11X11X4,M/M

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Fair warning- this is a post complete with plenty of gravitas, innocence, warrior training, not enough humor and too much change (says I).

A few weeks ago I was beset by excruciating spasticity in my right leg which is a common MS symptom generated by faulty nerve conduction. Imagine someone holding your ankle and turning clockwise so your leg corkscrews, spirals with no let up in an internal rotation. The day this happened I had to call the EMT guys twice after transfers failed. The second time they arrived their faces were unavoidably hardened into my perception of the looks they give women whose lives are so void of connection they resort to doctor visits to stave off the madness of too much loneliness. This may be just my story but I suspect not too far from the truth.

I was so embarrassed. And afraid.

All of a sudden my disappearing pie piece of freedom had a further chunk removed and I became dependent.

Fortunately, my family had just recently afforded me a membership with EGIS-an umbrella company devoted to managing care on all levels for those in need . Because this stellar organization is staffed with the truly extraordinary among us, by days end I had the privilege of a caregiver arriving at 8-11 whose job it is to get me up and out of bed and into my wheelchair where I remain until changing of the guard at 4pm at which time a different caregiver does all this “too intimate” stuff, makes sure I eat and back to bed.

Now, for a girl whose top value is freedom these uber -dependent waters are putrid indeed AND STILLthere’s got to be beauty in here somewhere but I’m too overwhelmed to find it on this day.

Bedridden.

The next days open and close with excruciating twisty muscle madness and if I can’t find pockets of peace I’ll go mad.

I know the vocabulary of “INDEPENDENCE” by heart but now must learn “DEPENDENCE” and I don’t want to. It feels ugly, gritty, brutal, raw.

I am so private; needing the solace of emptiness, silence, horizonless musings

But now every moment is bunched together, overlapping the other with needs and tears and fear and confusion and anger.

AND STILL I begin to know the women caring for me.

They move economically from one task to the next, one ear at the ready should I call out.

My leg still hurts but relaxing somewhat.

I let them bathe me.

I thought I would be mortified.

I sat up straight and surrendered to the moment.

We just chatted like two girls about her great lipstick and watched as Emma stood guard and the water just slipped down my arm like it always did..

It was the opposite of hard; impossibly tender..lovely in the action of need and service made beautiful somehow.

AND STILL…..

And still there comes the next moment and smart as we are we never know what it will bring.

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(PS- a detail of the image I post can always be seen by clicking on the image and then once again..)

comments

4 Responses to “And Still….”

  1. Rob on January 3rd, 2020

    Certainly difficult times, but as always an eloquent and beautiful telling of it nonetheless. Just know that you are loved very much.

  2. Basha McDaniel on January 3rd, 2020

    I love “…the water slipped down my arm as it always did. It was the opposite of hard; impossibly tender….need and service made beautiful…” There is grace in receiving, humanity in need. I’m so grateful you are receiving attuned care…

  3. Donna Harvey on February 1st, 2020

    Waves of Sad & Love.

  4. Debra Moody on February 5th, 2020

    Your words and spirit ring true, my friend. You are with us, in us, always. You are missed. Love you always.

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