Armoring Up
my garden
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I am noticing how mega-herculean my mind is.
Pain and muscle spasm have been my partners pretty constantly for about a month now.
In order to function I try to disassociate from my body and default into my head.
This sets up an unholy schism.
This tactic feels oddly good because so much work has to go into bypassing the pesky physical form
And our culture has taught us that working very hard DOING STUFF, THINKING STUFF, PRODUCING STUFF
Gives us a gold star.
In the news I watch the theater of evidentiary exchange.
It really isn’t that hard to find support for any opinion you might have.
The thing I am noticing is the penchant for bypassing the body in favor of the seduction of the mind.
Watching the current sparring in the halls of justice provides a perfect laboratory.
How do I decide who to believe when forming my own opinion?
A most potent power women in particular possess seems to me to be
The ability to recognize the brain we have
AND
The archive of knowledge generated by FEELING our existence through our physical form.
This skill set is what we need to be mothers to our children.
We are masters of hypervigilance.
The boon of this innate registration of subtlety allows women a width of awareness
With far more gravitas than a defended or “heady” response.
The negative side of this can look like adrenal exhaustion from just taking in too much life.
For me to heal I am being very tender with myself in part by backing off the “fight” not to feel.
An immediate softness makes its self known as I allow the messages my body wants me to feel.
My tender heart seems to have all the room in the world for the stuff I wear armor to avoid.
Avoidance seems to equal armoring
Which feels and looks so hard.
It certainly has weight
But the kind so very far from the ground.
Giving What I Did Not Get
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I think I am not the only human who stresses out about whether I am using my life well.
There is this hamster wheel rolling in my pesky brain
With me as generator
Endlessly on the quest
For the “rightest”
Of right action.
Gotta write my book, exercise, clean my desk, do all the “to-do” stuff.
Yesterday evening Santa Fe had the clearest blue violet umbrella of a sky.
I took myself to my favorite outdoor patio for a light dinner.
My server was Ian.
He introduced himself with a flat affect; pleasant but dis-engaged somehow.
A large table of folks were seated near me and we were the only patrons.
It was easy to hear Ian interact as he took food and drink orders.
He extended himself far beyond the call of duty
Kindly answering questions like: “What is the size of the tortilla?” and “Is your tap water safe to drink?”
I was dehydrated and he kept his eye on the disappearing act of my Arnold Palmer glass.
When the bill came I said: “Ian..you are really good at your job. I’ve listened to you all evening and you are kind, capable and unobtrusive. You are elegant in your serving style and I just wanted to tell you.”
His demeanor moved from the flat affect to the hidden blooming man waiting just underneath his “work-mode” skin.
Ian seemed quite overcome by my comments and thanked me profusely as he now moved around the restaurant with the nobility of a king.
I rolled away so taken by how affected he was by my simple acknowledgement.
After all is said and done my sense is that
ALL WE REALLY WANT AND NEED TO THRIVE IS REGULAR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF OUR INNATE WORTH.
The hamster wheel is pretty much beside the point.
Next time you find yourself thinking a good thing about someone
SAY WHAT IS SO
Out loud so you both can hear it.
We are all so hungry.
And easy to feed.
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photo credit- Gay Block
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Good Question
detail of painting,m/m
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Sometimes when I am asked: “Cath..how are you?”
I don’t really know.
My landscape is so varied and I skip between optimism and being a realist
Almost moment by moment.
Isolation becomes my safe place
Until I get so sick of myself I remember
Connection with vulnerability, humor, sass, curiosity and adventure
Light me up.
I have a friend who forged a relationship by bombarding me with questions.
It was shocking, endearing, sexy and courageous.
I love being asked things…almost anything actually.
I sense people shy from any intimate query around me
Perhaps afraid they’ll get more than they bargained for?
If you wanted to know me these are some questions I might welcome (always with the option of saying I can’t or don’t want to answer that right now!):
1. What was the best thing that happened to you today?
2. Did you see, hear, read something particularly great?
3. Were you lonely today at all?
4. What is it like for you to get ready in the morning?
5. What scares you?
6. What is the best thing about MS? The worst?
7. Do you miss your old life? Would you go back?
8. Who would you invite to a fantasy dinner party if you could have 6 people of your choosing, living or dead?
9. What do you think is your best, not so good quality?
10. Do you like your voice?
11. What do you think your hands say about you?
12. Who is a hero for you?
13. Is there anyone you have not forgiven but are thinking about it?
14. Are you friendly with your body?
15. What stories do you think people tell about you without really knowing you at all?
A Clean Compassion
hand-painted silk robes
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The human condition is not all about comfort.
Blessed are we who get some.
I used to think being a compassionate person meant doing the best I could to attempt re-creating all the feelings, drama, grief, loss or whatever a person was experiencing
INSIDE MYSELF IN SOLIDARITY.
I finally realized that no…this “taking on of the other’s experience” just leaves me exhausted
And unable to be of any kind of help to my friend.
It seems that being a clear witness for another is the best way to serve those we love.
Initially, I found this uncomfortable
Thinking I was not feeling enough or strangely numb to the situation.
It took a long time to segue into a clean compassion.
When friends give me the gift of attentive clear witness
I am so grateful.
The power of this is I feel utterly safe to express myself fully understanding they have the security to just “hold” for me
And not take on my shit, insist on fixing or doing whatever to maneuver away from the smelly bits.
That scenario often ends up with me having to take care of THEM in some way and I am further exhausted..
It was a great day when I realized there is no hierarchy to pain or suffering.
It is what it is. Mine is not greater or less than your own. Pain is pain. Suffering is suffering.
We all have it yet we are champion gymnasts trying to get away from it.
We NEED all those conditions we consider BAD
In order to recognize the good, grand, sacred and Divine
Or to push up against to maybe evolve into a shinier version of ourselves.
A person with a patina is far more intriguing to me than someone living with a vinyl plastic covering like those used on a couch to repel soiling.
Solidarity surfaces from the recognition of our shared human experience.
When I am quiet with you in your confusion
All our ancestors sit there with us;
Heads bowed..
Holding for us both
That which is beyond the strength of mere mortals.
After that they help us rise
With a quick fanny swat
Urging us further down a road
We never need to walk alone.
Saved
“LIGHT”, 6’x4′,m/m
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Reflecting on what I wrote in my last post about Freedom
This sentence just kind of stopped me: “The health challenge of MS saved me.”
Now- What the hell does that mean?
I had to go back and really think about it myself because this tidbit of wisdom just sort of snuck out unbeknownst to my consciousness at the time. (often I write stream-of-consciousness which is how I learn
where I need to put my attention).
“Saved from what?” I asked myself.
Change, challenges and particularly crises are bitter pills.
There are many reasons freedom is my top value (theme of last post); first and foremost in my youth I lived with the mother-message: “Cathy-do NOT bypass me with your energy! ANY of it..sexuality, creativity, gregariousness” ..et al.
I have forgiven her for this psychic compression of me because I now am strong enough to call up compassion for the lure she sucombed to, needing to punish SOMEone for her unhealed shit.
Being a stubborn human as I am I guess I needed a giant wallop of a gritty scenario to push up against to realize my Self (capital “S”);
To release all the armor, protective measures and survival strategies I created to ensure I allowed myself the experience of my essential self.
THIS is how the challenges of MS have saved me…my perseverance has shown my innate knowledge of and loyalty to doing what it takes to RETURN TO MY ORIGINAL SELF.
What I offer you here is the privilege of coming along on my ride in all of its unvarnished WABI-SABI wonderfulness.
Often not very pretty
But very, very real.
This level of vulnerability seems in short supply.
I try to remember if it is true for me then it may be so for others.
I call it a privilege because whether you judge or champion you are privy to the mechanics of a woman BECOMING.
My observations and exposure here are of huge value to me as I have the benefit of a computer screen between us as a buffer allowing intimacies perhaps too timid to appear face-to-face.
Thank you for wading in these rippling waters with me.
Profoundly less lonely.
And way more fun.
xxxx…
A Free Woman
“RAIN” installation, clay objects on nails sunk into wall
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JUST RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME:
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I am comfortable not being married.
My decision not to have children was a good one for me.
Even though I ride out the day in a wheelchair I am comfortable with my STATE.
Knowing I know very, very little helps me.
I adore red lipstick.
My guard has truly been let down with just 3 people.
If you can make me laugh you got me.
The love I have for my dog, Emma, likely verges on quite unreasonable.
I feel safer in Nature than with people.
The health challenge of MS saved me.
Freedom is my top value.
I seem nice but can be very fierce.
When I go out to a restaurant and dine by myself I find my own company very entertaining. She never bores me.
It is really fun to be a woman who loves lowrider cars, old trucks, INDIAN motorcycles, the smell of Mercedes and the lines of a Porsche.
My family is made up of remarkable people I love. I am proud of us.
When I periodically lose my connection to Spirit I feel worse than MS could ever make me feel. Only then do I think about dying.
My need for “depth of living” and self-examination annoys some people and I am still learning how not to care.
My best medicine is silence. I need an extraordinary amount.
I don’t know how to live with another person because I give my power away.
Even at 63 and a lifetime of therapy to get me healthy (which I am) I still don’t have a very clear picture of my own power and strength.
Santa Fe is my beloved. I put my feet down here and my soul sprouted.
I think I likely will be forced not to have any work done on my aging face because how can I start erasing if I haven’t got the whole “me” yet?
I always thought not needing anybody and being very independent were the holy grail. Now I know it is INTERDEPENDENCE.
Respect for another person is a major litmus test for me.
I watch how you treat those who serve us.
Honestly, I do not know what I have done to deserve the aid and assistance I have had in my life to become who I am. I could never, never, never , never have done it myself.
A good cup of coffee is sacramental.
It Was Us
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I saw a man on the street yesterday.
It was early evening.
I was feeling very fine.
He surfaces regularly behind his blue metallic walker
Pushing. Gripping.
He is old but a warrior I could tell
Because of the fierce determination he always wore.
Yesterday evening he was sitting down on the seat his walker provided.
It was a downtown street corner with a 4-way stop.
His head bent down to his chest he just sat there silently on that corner.
My heart strings began thrumming and I actually turned around and headed for him.
I was called to go.
No wasn’t an option.
I pulled my chair up close to his on that busy intersection.
He was drunk. He did not look up.
I had no adverse reaction to his state and
Slipped some bills in his loosely clasped hands.
He registered the sensation in his hand and grasped the cash gently, lifting his weary head up a few inches to try to catch my eye
But couldn’t quite do it.
He slowly stretched out his free hand and I took it.
A purely purposeful micro-movement like a dancer.
It was so full, warm and soft. Human.
So THERE for me in his gratitude.
I dropped my head like his and held his hand for quite awhile right there in that intersection.
We were two broken ones.
For two minutes we had communion on the street.
Two times in my life I have experienced a holy touch with someone.
He called me “Goddess” as I wheeled away.
His only word spoken.
I don’t know the mystery of what happened there on that corner
But God was surely near.
And it was us.
One Life As Art
hand-painted terry cloth robe, 1987
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I was recently invited by an old friend who is the owner of the primo art supply store- ARTISAN’S in Santa Fe, to write something for the monthly newsletter. This goes out to 7000 people so it is no small thing. It felt good to do because so many of my peers haven’t seen me in years so this was a chance to let them know I am ok.
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ONE LIFE AS ART-
Using the skills I learned as an artist to thrive in illness
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I lost the whole damn thing. The “who” of me just wasn’t after a diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis in 2000. My right leg went first and over time disability has visited me in a hemispheric way affecting my beloved right side, generously allowing some use of my left.
My power wheelchair is fast. Growing up in Detroit I demand a cool ride with some sass. Surrendering my driver’s license turned my stomach. Seventeen years into this landscape of chronic illness has changed me for the better. It really all comes down to choice; in the moment do I go for the somewhat intoxicating (due to familiarity) downward spiral or do what it takes to elevate my self into “art” or something resembling beauty?
These are exactly the same decisions I faced over my long career as a textile designer, painter and sculptor. Life as an artist or musician or any uber-sensitive creative is precarious at best. We know the un-known intimately. Whether blank canvas, slab of clay or hungry piano keys…some THING has got to get done to make art. This tolerance of the unknown is the key to my curious “ok-ness” within the health challenges I live with. The big void is not the enemy for me as it, understandably, manifests for most. I know the thing, despise it, am frustrated by it, haunted by it, in love with it, addicted to it, nauseated by it yet have chosen it as my life-long partner. Why? Because in that very void is where all the magic lives.
To bring this closer to home here is a recent example: transferring from my wheelchair to my bed is a precarious move for me. I must park my chair facing the bed and exhaustingly use what little strength I have in my quads and push up to stand, pause, pirouette to place my behind on the bed. Very occasionally there comes a perilous moment when I understand the safe completion of this dance move is not going to happen and I slip with a groan to dead weight prone on the floor; a slow, yet uneventful humbling. This has happened twice before and I have a medical alert button around my neck I use to call the fire department to come get me up. Eight men in uniform enter my bedroom within minutes. I never have the right make-up on or even many clothes of course and the flush of embarrassment pours red for all to see.
The other day it happened once more and I realized I was bored by my historical hysteria and changed the story; like erasing a naïve charcoal line and replacing it lovingly and with elegant assuredness onto the paper to create something new. I pressed my safety button, adjusted my hair and clothing as best I could and lay there on the floor petting my dog in the lovely surety a host of gorgeous men were on their way to my bedroom. I was calm. They came in and I lay there smiling, looking up at a circle of hunkiness; thrilled as they exerted their herculean mastery and lifted me compassionately into bed. It was over in 10 minutes and the bright flashing lights of the EMT and fire trucks left my neighbors to the stories they would tell.
I, on the other hand, was easy in my body and oozing with gratitude for their help but mostly for the fact I had changed my own story from one fraught with angst to an (almost) fun encounter.
Don’t like the shade of red you chose for that paint stroke? Change the damn thing and move on.
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Tidbits for the road:
1. Stay curious.
2. Asking for help does not mean anything other than you need some help. Let people be heroes.
3. By all means live with a dog.
4. Connect in small ways with those you don’t think need it or want it even. There are worlds there.
5. Try so hard you fail often enough not to fear it.
6. Your purpose is just to exist. Anything else is extra.
7. Judge profusely for 5 minutes max then soften back into yourself- nothing/no one can reach you if you are hardened into defense-mode.
10. Falling is just a new perspective. Look around. Find the gold. Bring it back.
END
Everything, Everything
ceramic, high fired
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My existence in a wheelchair puts my perspective about 2 feet below yours in all likelihood.
My current penchant for going down to the Santa Fe Plaza very early in the morning has the effect of an archaeological dig at times.
This morning I saw deep brown skinned, old Mexican men lifting giant glass containers filled with fresh watermelon juice as they readied their street vendor food cart.
Pigtailed girls ran deliriously after taunting pigeons.
Native Americans sat stoically tolerating the tourist gum-chewing and innocent disrespect; their eyes slightly glazed and hungry at the same time.
I loved my soft awareness with its desire to attach itself to the surprisingly graceful choice the city gardeners made of planting corn in the large pots used to direct traffic.
Perception stayed cool and comfortably low..
Humored by high-heeled, polyester suit-clad women teetering blindly while worshiping their phones.
I could see their crowded thoughts buzzing like flustered bees above their hair.
The stately trees generously buffered the sun.
I was in love with it all; the clear air and green smell mixed with surreptitiously smoking folks trying to get small in their shame and pleasure.
The low down suits me.
All these different levels and layers of perception invisible to the others but carrying wiggling and lively realities unique to each.
How very much we miss by remaining in our familiar territories.
The lower I get the quieter I become.
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Change
Emma and me at The Georgia O’Keeffe Museum
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Mike Tyson, the fighter said: “Everyone has a plan ’till they get punched in the mouth.”
I think one of the gifts I have to offer is my willingness to share with you all some of the welcome surprises and utter shit that can happen as we age or challenged by illness and are confronted with loss of our carefully crafted and beloved identities.
I can think about change all I want; make lists of intentions, affirmations, to-do’s and desires
But the important personal life “re-boots” never happen
Until we get excruciatingly bored, over-the-top sick of ourselves
Or we are forced to shift in some way.
Comfort and familiarity usually win out over consciousness
Because change is messy, inconvenient, humbling, embarrassing and fucking hard work.
The good fortune of getting flattened by disability like me
Is the option of choosing to entertain change was not even on the table.
I had to/have to…
And, inside moulding my new identities
I think about things you may not.
As an example- I think about Death more than most people because I feel my mortality deeply and want to grab juicy Life while I can..
Not like I want to check out but more to let Death inform my Life, ride on my shoulder; help me make choices that add up to the treasure that is me.
The thing is- living at depth (I call it) can challenge people.
The last post I wrote (topics like Death,suicide,too sensitive for the world..) brought a slew of PLEASE UNSUBSCRIBE ME‘s to my inbox.
I don’t want to be off-putting or lose readership so I deleted the offending post.
I now have the all-too-familiar sensation in my essence of shrinking my soul to fit…
Clearly not healing!
So- I am inside some of the messy parts of evolving my Self to Whole.
As Mike Tyson was saying in the quote above- not a one of us can ever know how we will react in the aftermath of the punch.
My writings here are part of my way.
I am working on not apologizing for taking up space in the ways I do.
The Loveliness of the Little Good
STORMY WEATHER, 44×44,m/m
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The title for this post came from the David Brooks article I just read referencing the new documentary on Mr. Rogers.
There were so many weird things about Fred Rogers to make fun of if you weren’t a kid:
His voice made me kind of want to attach a jet engine equipped with mega-doses of testosterone to his voice box to make him talk faster.
To me, he seemed too slow, too overtly gay, too simple and at first blush, too patronizing of children.
He was a fun object of ridicule from my generation
Because we didn’t need him so much.
We were not the ones to be confused as to why the adults would not let us swim in pools containing black people.
When Kennedy was shot we were reduced to stoney silence in the face of all the adults breaking around us; The salve of Mr. Rogers was for those smaller than us. We had nowhere to turn.
I saw the documentary and realized every single syllable, inflection, clothing choice, topic discussed
Were intentionally chosen
To foster his one mission:
TREAT CHILDREN AS THE HIGHLY INTELLIGENT AND FEELING BEINGS THEY ARE.
He spoke slowly and put his face close to the child.
No question was stupid.
“Mr. Rogers..can I be sucked down the bathtub drain with the water?”
He replied softly and evenly: “No, Bobby..just the water goes down the drain.”
Phew.
He gave up his desire to enter the ministry in lieu of understanding he could be of service to his chosen congregation of tiny people in other ways.
He was not gay as his measured and intentionally soft voice suggested but married to a lovely woman who supported his unwavering attention to how best to use TV as his educational tool of choice.
Disability, racism, divorce, death, step-parenting, illness, loneliness, single parenting, riots, bullying, shyness…..each of these topics Fred Rogers approached with the assumption kids were very ok with the truth if presented kindly and without the slime of patronization.
In an interview I read, the black policeman character Mr. Clemmons said that once Fred Rogers had leaned in quite close and looked him in the eye saying: “I like you as you are. I wouldn’t want to change you.”
Instead of feeling the vulnerable expression maudlin Mr. Clemmons said he felt truly seen and loved.
He never forgot it.
When I roll around my neighborhood in my wheelchair and, with intention, extend a small “Good Morning” to most I pass
I get to see the seeming shock a verbal invitation to join in solidarity, if only for a moment, from a stranger can elicit.
It is my version of “I like you as you are”
And each time I see relief
At this tiny recognition
Of our shared
Shuffle
Down a sometimes very gritty road indeed.
Vulnerability
ceramic vessel, 24×18
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When I began writing this blog over 4 years ago
The promise I made to myself was to avoid editing myself out of truly authentic territory.
That meant telling my truth as truly as I could and not spiriting away the messy bits, the unflattering occurances, the embarrassing shit.
I, as an expert people pleaser was in search of the woman under the mask
And telling my truth is my road to HER.
There have been 3 times I have chosen to go back and delete a post because I just felt too raw after writing..too exposed.
The thing about vulnerability is that it is a universal condition and no one escapes.
Knowing this I recognize that if I have had a feeling or experience there is likely a slew of others in the boat with me, maybe cowering in the corners.
After revealing to a good friend recently that I took down a post she reminded me that my readership come here in part to get the TRUTH as opposed to a prettified scenario.
” People, your friends, WANT to hear the vulnerable stuff you deal with. Puts the beautiful parts in perspective. And makes US realize we have nothing to whine about. Put it back up. “
Arriving at a place in which one has little to lose is a freedom gift extraordinaire.
I am here.
And somewhat broken.
But strangely grateful for the lovely, lovely scars
Each with a story of resolve and resilience
Adding to the creation
Of today’s Cathy
Who ties (sometimes with help) a Parisian silk scarf around her sagging neck
And re-enters Life
In partnership with the scars
Which are quiet
Having been given the air-time
They each demanded and deserved.
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Civility As The New Politic
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NEXT NEED
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This morning I saw a dirty man.
I said hello
Partly to assuage the awkward guilt
I felt
At feeling so good myself
When he was not.
Also-
I wanted my tiny hello
To wash him clean
Buy him stylish new clothes
Have his hair cut
By the tenderest of hands
Be a prayer
Feed him
And then set him free
To pay it forward
Like I knew he would
Because kindness is like that;
Never static
It can not help its’self
But to address
the nearest
Next need.
Like a hermit crab
Kindness expands
With each deposit
Crawling intently
To discover its next
Home
Residing there
Only until
The pressure gets too taut
And we must give again
To save ourselves.
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Gathering Evidence
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Whatever the story we have concocted
There will always be someone out there who will validate our opinion.
It feels so slimily good to gather evidence for our belief in what is true
But to what end?
A well placed ” I told you so?”.
Is this the gold we are after?
Chronic illness is a lonely affair.
We can invite friends and family and God
To come in close
And witness our sufferings AND triumphs
But essentially,
We live within our own concocted truth.
I say “concocted”
In light of the fact I experience my level of suffering or grace is altered
By the story I tell about it
And the more people I can gather around me who agree
Set my experience in stone – good or not-so-good
RIGHT QUICK.
For this reason I have avoided MS support groups.
It feels so very lovely to share agreement
Whether that be in the realm of health or politics or religion or sport.
Yippee! We are not alone!
Except we are.
In the most important of ways.
We create our lives
By choosing where to put our attention.
My sense is that I continue to thrive
In the largest sense of the word
Because I am familiar with how to approach a blank canvas; having done this very thing thousands of times in my career as an artist,
I understand how to create and not stop until it feels right.
I use these same skills as a bridge to each and every “next moment”.
In the end they even out to quite a lovely life.
This is true for me.
I do not need your agreement.
The Dignity of Doria
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I keep thinking about Meghan Markle’s mom, Doria.
After all the hullabaloo has passed, her quiet dignity stays with me.
She did not tuck her blackness in
Nor did she shove it in our faces.
She carried herself with an easy and powerful dignity.
She sat there in the pew, very alone, witnessing her baby marry a prince.
Prince Charles took really good care of her; recognizing the challenge of negotiating such an event with out a plus-one. He kindly guided Doria with seeming affection as Camilla stood by.
Today, on my morning roll I negotiated the crowded streets of SantaFe filled with tourist disconnect to my presence on the streets.
I found some quiet shade to do my voyeur thing.
The default posture I see most these days is a marked hunched back and collapsed upper chest.
Seeing this so much makes me feel claustrophobic.
It is a habitual and lazy stance of no possibility; armoring ourselves against the assault of internalized wariness of the daily unknown.
Closing off our chest like this truncates breathing so less Life gets in.
Thinking about this and noticing the same in myself I changed my posture
By rolling my shoulders back and subtly lifting from the muscles in my upper chest while pulling my lower back in toward my stomach a bit.
This is the basic yoga “at rest” posture.
I immediately felt really different as I opened my chest to hope and connection and ease and dignity.
If I don’t put energy into maintaining this posture I can go down the rabbit hole pretty quick.
This seems to be an immediate antidote to “victimhood”
And an invitation to poised liveliness.
It helps me meet the world from a far less “me-centric” place.
Mettle
ceramic,7x4x1/2″
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It took me longer to forgive my mother than the guy that raped me.
They both took things from me; stuff I needed to thrive.
The rapist rendered my physical self insecure which has lasted a long time and I am defended where I wasn’t before.
My mother disallowed my essence and spirit to recognize themselves as innately good and worthy.
She could only give what she knew.
I have forgiven them both
And directed my life toward re-mothering my own self; my way.
It will be a lifetimes’ work.
I surround myself with beauty and know I love it because I feel my own beauty through it.
Flowers, antique linens, light, space, silence, treats like a daily visit to the coffee shop where I am known and appreciated, living with an animal that teaches me every day what love actually is, sharing my talents and creativity with others, acknowledging beauty and goodness in people when I experience it instead of staying quiet, dressing well, cultivating good manners, keeping gratitude very, very close.
I never wanted kids.
Don’t remember ever having even one “biological clock ping”
And I am so glad because somehow God knew I needed this lifetime to be about me and my own healing.
I had so many unmet needs myself that I was spared eventual resentment toward children.
Today, I would be a great mom I think
But I am 63.
It seems a bit weird that dealing with the constricting challenges I do
My heart has more love in it than ever.
I did/am doing the work and am so very glad.
It could have been a bitter pill of a life
But feels more like a swim in an infinity pool;
98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.
How We Learn To Discern
my garden
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Discernment can be a foggy affair
If we don’t know ourselves truly.
Meandering through life for so many years as a people-pleaser as I did,
In search of love in all the wrong places
Had me making decisions from a fake place.
This is where MS comes in as one of the best things to ever happen to me;
I now haven’t the energy to concoct much of anything
So most of me is true;
Solidly my highest accomplishment to date.
If one is not visited by the magnitude of an ego-crushing illness
Which can assist in the process if we let it
How can we learn what is true and real for us
In the way of food or belief or partner or career or fashion or art or music or terrain or color preference even?
If I wear the color green I feel sick…
In my stomach and in my head.
Every time…
Green equals yuk.
Now, it was many, many years into this particularly potent equation
That I finally understood why
But that is sort of beside the point;
Green is so viscerally NOT my color that I could not NOT notice.
In my beginning to pay attention to finding out my TRUE likes and dislikes
The ensuing reaction to BAD NEWS had to be big enough to get through the murk and sticky mire
Of trying to be liked
Because there is a sneaky little thing that feels really, really addictively grand
When you figure correctly and give someone what they think they want.
After a few years of this study my refinement increased and I can now feel pretty close to in-the-moment when I’m in-sync.
THIS SKILL IS CRUCIAL FOR A GOOD LIFE I think..
Otherwise, we are living a virtual existence created to achieve the “best” response from another.
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ps- I abhor green because my mother re-decorated my bedroom as a child with chartreuse as the main color of rug,paint,fabric without asking me what I might like. My current self loves white…go figure.
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Knees
“ONE BLUE SQUARE”, 5′ x 5′, 1991, m/m
.
This is one of my favorite works of art by Bruce Nauman.
The medium is beeswax and the impressions are of “five famous artists”.
I respond to it because it makes me think of the physical action of prayer; from the coolness of standing tall, our physique erect
We are drawn to break at the knees which instantly introduces vulnerability.
Surrendering to gravity the elevation of our brain comes down closer to the earth.
Physical height is halved and we perch awkwardly on our knees and toes.
This is not a power position in the sense of combat.
I am part of the 1% and therefore fortunate beyond measure
But there have been times where I have needed to ask my tribal extended family for help.
This kind of “asking” is very different than leaning into a partner or family or a bank for help.
This “ask” (I’m speaking of my recent crowd-funding project for Emma)
Is the type of need that heats up your knees;
Praying there with a shattered, fat ego broken in pointy shards spread around chaotically.
Actually, I feel sorry for those who have yet to experience this particular kind of deep dive
Because the loss of altitude changes one.
The vertigo kneads heart muscle on the way down.
The support I received allowing Emma to live longer from so many, known and not
Leaves me with faith;
In myself knowing how far I will go for love.
My heart is now embroidered with threads to you; I am not alone
So I must release this unintentional default mode (which feels so sticky sometimes).
Thank you for extending Emma and me your stellar and comforting company along our shared road.
I feel you there in the gift of witnessing me here.
We are good together.
A Little Civility
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In my previous life as an artist
I felt very good about my ability to create and spread beauty; one painting or sculpture at a time.
Rolling around in a wheelchair with marked loss of physical function prevents me from the creation of art-in-form.
I used to have so many dramas roiling around in my tired brain.
Things like deadlines and marketing and my presence in the community; an unrelenting barrage of “to-do’s”.
Without all that riff-raff I have learned to luxuriate in empty.
It scares me sometimes- that very emptiness can feel like obscurity or lack-of-potency or laziness or even disinterest.
This morning as Emma and I adventured downtown earlier than most
I passed by a number of landscape maintenance workers.
I said “Hola” or “Good Morning” or paused to chat about the fine weather.
I tipped my hat brim in acknowledgement of a hungry man rifling through cigarette butts.
The plaza sprinkler system came to life and it was quite a sight to see the pigeons fluttering in the mist.
My heart felt full to bursting from the salve of the tiny connections I had just made.
Tiny waves we are..each a part of but not separate from
the Ocean.
Good Morning.
Sovereign
When I married late in life I changed my name to his.
This unconscious soul-death move (for me)
Was just one in a lifetime of gripping the arm of the culture hard enough
To prevent my ignorant, fledgling identity jello-legs
From collapsing beneath me.
In my defense-
It was just part of the deal then and sometimes still; marry, surrender, serve.
Same thing in other arenas too:
Get hired, work too hard, shut up, be soft and supportive, let your boss’ hand rest on your butt and smile and smile and smile..
Have a child, don’t tell anyone how hard it is, try to find something exciting about diapers, have dinner ready when he comes home and smile and smile…on your way to the bedroom.
Go to church in a pretty flowerey dress when a button-down and khakis are your thing, listen to the fancy- robed man rail on about God and homosexuals and smile.. smile as your Dad in the pew next to you nods emphatically to himself…
Lately, when I speak my truth instead of remaining silent to avoid conflict
My voice arrives somehow fierce.
It can startle me and others
But if I take a minute to pause and acclimate myself to the authentic me I find that I love my true voice; a very different substance and gravitas mixed with dignity and self- appreciation.
The woman pictured in the photos above is a very good friend; Barbara.
We did not communicate regularly during the past few years.
She came to visit recently and drove up in this steely RV with impossibly elegant lines.
Her laundry list of shitty life-happenings included (she told me) divorce, breast cancer, career ennui, identity questioning.
When we lose ourselves how to we get Her back?
If we were performing in the costume of “GOOD WOMAN” too often in our life
Did we ever REALLY know ourselves at all?
My beloved friend Barbara, took her savings and invested heavily in her precious self;
Bought the van, carved out a month, taught herself all the stuff she needed to know about generators and driving a big rig
And she hit the road to feel who she is
Without any one else around to be accountable to.
When we sat together at a bar in Santa Fe she was strong! and funny! and smart! and vulnerable! and gorgeous! and curious! and very, very, VERY alive.
When I take myself out for dinner..just me and Emma,
The experiences I have build on themselves.
Over time I now understand myself as authentically Cathy.
Now I can choose more accurately who and what I am willing to give my life energy to.
This is my highest accomplishment.